


borrowed time

by xxPeppermintxx109



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: AFAB Main Character, Betrayal, Character Death, Characters are gonna die, Cleaning, I love that for him, It’s attack on titan, Lies, Lots of it, Major Original Character(s), Memory Loss, Minor Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss/Ymir, Minor Moblit Berner/Hange Zoë, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Hange Zoë, OC is taller than Levi, POV Original Character, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Slow Updates, They/Them Pronouns for Hange Zoë, but not super minor, clean freak, its slow burn, like seriously, lil short levi, love it, main character is non-binary, slow burn once again as a reminder, swords go brrrrr, violence but not horribly graphic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-13 19:21:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28783353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxPeppermintxx109/pseuds/xxPeppermintxx109
Summary: Everyone lives on borrowed time within the walls. It becomes much easier once they accept it. But there’s no harm in using that time to the most of one’s abilities.Even if it means betraying everyone you love.
Relationships: Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss/Ymir, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Original Character(s), Moblit Berner/Hange Zoë
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone! I know I know, I have two other fics to worry about but since AOT is ending the manga in April and the anime probably not too long after that, I thought it would be perfect to finally start one I’ve always wanted to write. I never did purely because I wanted to follow canon events and no one could have planned for Isayama’s path lmao
> 
> Anyways! I’m excited to get this started. This first chapter is a mix of prologue and chapter 1. The main character is non-binary, so they/them pronouns. Same for Hange in this fic. So excited and can’t wait to go on this journey with y’all!
> 
> Monthly updates for now after I post the next chapter which will be about 7-10k words, may get quicker at some point :)

“ _What a beautiful girl you have, Elaine!”_

_“Ah, yes thank you, Neive. She certainly takes after her father,” her mother replied, nervous laughter lingering long after the words had dispersed. A young girl—with eyes as grey as the cloudy sky that covered the market street with near tears—looked up at her mother, curiosity tickling her naive mind._

_She tugged at her mother’s sleeve. “Where is papa?” she asked, wondering who this ‘father’ person could be. Did she really look like him? Where was he? She had never seen him before._

_Her mother smiled widely, but the girl tilted her head in confusion. Her mother never smiled like that. Eyes closed and teeth bright? No. That wasn’t right. Her mother never smiled like that._

_She tugged on her sleeve again, annoyed with her mother. “Mama, why are you-“_

_“Oi! Neive, why the fuck are you talking to her?”_

_The girl turned around, small hands holding onto her mother’s sleeve with a tight ferocity. She pushed her black brows down. That was a bad word she thought? Why would that man use a bad word? It wasn’t very nice._

_“Ah,” the woman, Neive, cleared her throat apologetically, “I’m sorry I just thought-“_

_“Thought what?” the mean man questioned, leaning forward. The little girl tried to steal a peek under his hat but the shadows were too much and she pouted. She wanted to see what he looked like. She liked when she could see people’s faces. She didn’t know why, but they made her happy. “Thought you should talk to scum like her? Ha! Thought ya fucking knew better Neive!”_

_The little girl frowned. What was scum? Why did he say a bad word again?_

_“I-I’m sorry, we’ll just-“ the girl’s mother tried to apologize, sputtering over her words and grabbing the back of the girl’s coat. The girl looked up with confusion. She didn’t like the look on her mother’s face. It was sad. She hated when her mother was sad. It seemed like that was all she was nowadays. Every single day, her mother frowned and pouted and cried. Why? Why would she be sad._

_The man turned to them and the girl could see his face. But it wasn’t a happy one, she thought and pouted. One eye was glossed over with white clouds like the ones in the sky. The other was a bright blue but it was so bright that the girl got a headache. His nose was straight down it seems, crooked in the center like it was hurt. She wondered if he was okay. It looked like it hurt a lot. Her mother was good at fixing things that hurt! She could kiss it and it would feel better!_

_“C’mon Yvaine, let’s just-“_

_“Just what, Elaine? Hmm?” The man’s grin was wide but Yvaine didn’t like it. It was a mean, mean smile. “How about, we teach your little pride and joy here,” he paused and Yvaine looked over to her mother as if asking what was happening, “a lesson or two on your place in this world?”_

_The man suddenly grabbed Elaine by the collar of her button down shirt and ripped her to him. Yvaine cried out, reaching for her mother with chubby fingers. The woman, Neive, gasped and hurriedly pulled Yvaine to her side. Yvaine struggled against the stranger’s white knuckled grasp, itching to get away to help her mother._

_Yvaine’s little eyes widened at the glint that reflected from the sun that hid behind those grey clouds. “Mama!” she cried. An odd saltiness began to sting her eyes and everything seemed to blur ever so slightly. She scratched—no, clawed—at the woman holding her, who only sniffled slightly and tried to soothe her just as her mother did. But this woman wasn’t her mother. No, so why was she trying to act like her? If only she would let her go!_

_“Yvaine, please, stay-“ her mother’s voice trembled and Yvaine froze at the way her mother’s face was contorted. Her mother never had those likes between her brown brows. Her mother never frowned with teeth exposed as the man’s grasp tightened on the neckline of her dress. Her mother’s soft blue eyes always held such pretty kindness; instead, they were threatening to burst out of her head and glistened with tears. Yvaine did not recognize this woman either. This was not the sadness her mother often displayed when she thought she was alone. This was something new and something scary._

_The man cackled. “Maybe it’s time we get rid of disgusting scum like you, Elaine. Hmm? Then we can get to your little shit stain.” Yvaine watched, lips parted and body unable to move from where it was planted, as the man turned his head towards her and flashed something that looked like a knife. Her mother always told her to never play with those. They were dangerous. “Watch and learn what happens, kid, when you don’t know how to quit.”_

_Yvaine was about to ask...plead...beg for the man to stop. But she couldn’t help the curiosity. She tilted her head. The feeling of the stranger’s arms seemed to numb; they no longer held on to her, or so she thought. Commotion had begun to build up, something Yvaine didn’t like. She hated crowds, just like her mother. But the sounds were dimmed, like someone had placed their hands over her ears. Lips slightly parted, Yvaine did as the man said._

_She watched._

* * *

“Squad Leader Vaine!” 

Vaine looked up tiredly, grey eyes dull and somewhat bleary to the world around them. They really needed to stop falling. Memories were a dangerous thing. Fall too long and one might not be able to know which way is up or down. Then the ground would be the least of their worries.

They sighed and pinched the bridge of their nose. “What is it, Lisle?”

“Commander Erwin Smith requires Vaine squad back at headquarters in Trost immediately,” the young soldier squeaked out. 

Vaine raised a dark brown. “The fuck does he need my squad for?”

The young boy flinched at their use of an expletive and Vaine rolled their eyes. They forgot how jumpy the rookies were all the time. A scoff escaped their lips. They should know better. They only ever had rookies, and Vaine liked to keep it that way.

“Apologies Squad Leader, but the courier didn’t make it clear. The only matter relayed was that Vaine Squad is supposed-“

“Supposed to head for Trost, yes, thank you, Lisle,” Vaine sighed. They leaned forward, hunching their shoulders as they leaned their weight onto the desk. Vaine stiffly cracked their knuckles, humming in thought. What could Erwin want? He had made it pretty clear that Vaine was basically allowed free reign so long as they lent him their squad for expeditions. Expeditions, training, meetings, Vaine made sure to keep their squad in check with it all. They liked their style, and to manage an upkeep of it required that Vaine do the basic tasks necessary. They did that. Of course, a lack of a squad here and there often caused for issues but Vaine was good. They were so good at what they did, they thought silently fuming. Erwin never called for them to go to Trost. And perhaps it was the anonymity of the report that got to them. “Lisle?”

“Yes, Squad Leader?”

Vaine waved an annoyed hand at him. “One: get out of that stupid salute. You already greeted me, no need to stay all stiff like that. Two,” they leaned back and stretched their arms over their head with a satisfying pop, “has the scout regiment conducted an expedition this month?”

“No, Squad Leader. The fifty-fifth expedition completed last month however with a loss total of 78-“

“I don’t need the numbers, Lisle.” Vaine cut the boy off. They knew well and good how many people had died on the last expedition. Every single time they knew. They leaned back forward and rubbed their temples from underneath their bangs. It appeared their squad would be called onto yet another useless expedition. And they were really starting to warm up to the kids as well, what a shame. “It appears we are called to arms once more, more likely than not. Go grab your things and alert your comrades. We leave in thirty minutes, understood?”

Lisle saluted, fist raised to his heart and hand tucked dutifully behind his back with a chin held high. Vaine nodded out of respect but in all honesty, they couldn’t handle yet another wide-eyed kid so ecstatic to work with them. Everyone knew their reputation so the fact that they always had kids like Lisle begging to be on their squad? Lisle darted out of the room with a firm “yes, squad leader” and Vaine watched as he closed the door with an aching sadness.

Lisle was a good kid. He claimed that he once saw Vaine when they returned from an expedition a few years back, supposedly the 30th mission or something like that. He said that he saw them, looking proud and confident despite the loss. Despite the bloodshed. Despite the comrades whose bodies they wheeled in on rickety carts pulled by exhausted horses. Despite the utter failure they had once again endured. Lisle claimed to want to be like that. He claimed he wanted to be just as strong as Vaine. 

Vaine rubbed their eyes as fatigue tried to pull them back into a daze. Kids like Lisle always ended up dead first. The ones who had good intentions. Good hearts. It was a shame that soldiers like them were wasted. Tossed into the air and bitten clean in half with screams of cursed agony while everyone watched in paralyzed fear. The wicked ones got to push through, cowardice keeping them from advancing and finding themselves lucky to stay behind the front lines. They always got to live. It was often those ones who moved up the rankings and found themselves on good squads. But not Vaine. Vaine preferred the good ones like Lisle. And perhaps that was such a horribly cruel thing of them to do. Pick the good ones even while knowing they’ll die first. 

And die first they did. Every. Single. Time. 

Vaine wasn’t sure that they had anyone on their squad that was the same as two years ago. 

Or even from two months ago. Or even from the last expedition.

Vaine interlocked their nimble fingers and rested their chin on the makeshift, raised platform. What a shitty existence everyone had been condemned to. Vaine scoffed. 

“Vaine.”

The squad leader sighed and looked up to the door to their office sitting open with a man standing in the frame.

“My,” Vaine tried to grin, motioning for the man to enter, “aren’t I popular today?”

The man released a deep, guttural chuckle. He walked in before quietly closing the door with a click. A hand found it’s way into his orange hair and Vaine raised a brow. Faces. So many faces. So many all day. So many everyday. Rarely the same one twice.

“What is it, Strauss? We have to head into Trost in half an hour, so make this quick.” Vaine pushed themselves into a stand. 

Strauss cleared his throat and rubbed his hand over the back of his neck. “There’s been whispers, Vaine.”

Their fingers twitched over the wooden desk. “Whispers about what? There’s always whispers for this squad. Rumors, a bunch of shit, everything you can name.”

“Apparently, the military police are out for your neck,” Strauss sighed. 

Vaine scoffed, “When are they not?” They pushed away from their desk and moved to their travel bag, squatting down to toss some of the loose items back in. “I merely breathe, and they’re out and about like fucking rabid dogs chasing a cat. With how the last mission went, I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re chewing at the bit to execute me. Ah, well,” Vaine peered at a trinket of their’s with a childish glee, “no matter. They never get what they want, do they, Strauss?”

Vaine looked over their shoulder with a small smirk. But it fell.

“Yvaine.”

Vaine stiffened. No one called them by that name anymore. Sure, Vaine wasn’t a far cry from their full...birth name, but one letter still meant a lot to them. It meant the world to them. Strauss knew this. He knew exactly what it meant. And that meant something was wrong. Something was horribly wrong. Something that twisted the green in his sad eyes so that it fell like leaves during the fall. The freckles across his nose and cheeks began to sink deeper into his fair skin, pulling away the youthful look he always sported. His lips were contorted into a frown, not one of a forced nature. 

His face was in so much pain. But Vaine couldn’t spot a titan gnawing on his limbs.

“What...” Vaine stood slowly, the trinkets falling from their hand to the wooden floor below with a loud clank. “What happened, Strauss?”

“The Military Police came for Trevor.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, we’ve got some familiar faces and some new ones. Again, I’ll keep chapters to about 7-10k words, which means slower updates. Wanted this one up to set up the 56th expedition and battle for Trost before taking some time to work on the action. Thank you for the kudos so far :)
> 
> -P

Whispers rattled Vaine as they rode their horse quietly through Trost to hq. Their fingers tightened on the reins and they shifted uncomfortably in their saddle. Rookies like Lisle thought they looked confident, but in reality, they had never hated attention more than the times they rode through the cities with hateful eyes on their back. People were privy to the secrets of the Scout Regiment and that was no question. The missions laid out by Vaine were never truly secretive. Not when people spread gossip like wildfire. Sometimes, maybe it could come as a surprise that things would not necessarily always be public knowledge. But Vaine had learned better within the first two years of running outside missions for the scouts.

“The one-hundred-and-fourth cadet class is graduating tonight, so we have made good time,” Strauss tried to ease their nerves by relaying some good news.

Vaine looked over with a grateful nod. “How many?”

“I heard about two-hundred-and-eighteen.”

Vaine whistled at the surprisingly good number. The Scouts only ever usually had three hundred and thirty soldiers at most. Over two-hundred cadets provided a good pool of potential for the Scouts to snatch up. The top ten surely would go to the Military Police, as they often did, but their talents could be easily replaced. It wasn’t ever a true loss. A lot would go to the Garrison Regiment, and that was fine. Vaine would argue that those were people never fit to serve in the Scouts anyways. The numbers were never great, but the Scouts needed people who were serious. Especially with the dwindling support that was rapidly drying up. Serious cadets meant less deaths. 

Or so Vaine liked to hope.

“Think any will join?”

Vaine shrugged. “Erwin might force a couple depending on how many wish to continue on. Though I have a few concerns.”

Strauss shot a sideways glance at his Squad Leader. Vaine could pick out the greens of his eyes anywhere, even from their peripheral. “You’re not seriously-“

“I am.”

“Vaine,” Strauss protested, pulling on his horses reins just a bit to try and stall the person he respected most in the world. “Trevor is fine. The MP merely shook him up. Sure, they got to him and I am concerned, but our mission-“

“I willingly send these kids out to die every single time we leave these walls, Strauss.” Vaine refused to halt their somewhat agitated horse, earning a snort in reply as they egged on the creature. They had a meeting to attend with Erwin and this moment of self-doubt from Strauss wasn’t as important. “You came to me, the most shaken I’ve ever seen you, and we have seen absolute shit in all our years. These cadets sign up for this. Trevor has signed up for nothing. If the MP knows about him and they’re intimidating him? I refuse to not listen to threats just for the sake of this squad’s pride. For my pride. They dragged an innocent into this. They mean business, Strauss, and I cannot ignore that.”

“Yes, Vaine, I understand, but-“

“No but’s, Strauss.” Vaine shot him a deadly glare. This conversation was done. Nothing Strauss said could change their mind and that was final. “The MP are digging into our personal lives. They know I have no one left, so the next best thing is my Team Leader’s family: your precious Trevor. Going after him is smart. It’ll weigh on your mind, probably distract you either during a mission or expedition and get you fucking killed. Then,” Vaine looked forward with a resigned sigh, “then they’ll have gotten to me.”

“Understood, Squad Leader.” Strauss surrendered quietly. He urged his horse a little, forcing the animal to return to pace with Vaine’s. “Where would we go?”

“I’ll push for Erwin to put you all with Hange. Mike if I have to. Dita as an absolute last resort. I would want you working with Moblit Berner.” Vaine looked over their shoulder. “Do you remember him from the last expedition?”

“Vaguely,” Strauss shrugged truthfully. “Quiet fellow who follows around the titan-obsessed psycho? Always carrying shit and trying to calm them down?”

Vaine smirked. Hange always had been a bit...eccentric, if that was even a valid way of describing them. They were a dear friend. Vaine had sat through the entire 8-hour lecture over their experiments the first time they met and from there on out, Vaine was almost able to listen to their tirades. It was a lot and they often just tuned it out, but Vaine found Hange endearing in a sense. Or perhaps that was too strong? No, it was more like...interesting. Vaine just found them interesting. Moblit, however, was the endearing one. If Vaine didn’t know any better, the last time they saw the pair together, they would have guessed the two to be...involved. 

Vaine couldn’t wait to see the pair again.

“Yes, the very one. I think you would do well under Hange and alongside Moblit. It’ll also keep some more of our kids alive on the next expedition.” Vaine’s eyes trailed down the crowded street to the tall, stone building that housed the Survey Corps. They pulled back to Strauss. “You’ll be running interior of the formation if you’re with Hange. I’d much rather we keep as many as possible, and the interior will be our best bet of survival for the squad.”

“Where would you go?” 

Vaine shrugged nonchalantly. Why did it really matter? They always came back anyways. They could go to any part of the formation and still make it back by some cursed will of fate. A part of them despised the very thought of continuously existing while their comrades died. But...such was life. “Perhaps to the right flank. It’ll be up to Erwin where he wants to place me.”

“You’ve served in the corps for twelve years, Vaine,” Strauss tried to object. “Surely he’d want you with the command unit.”

Their horses whinnied in distress as they continued marching down the stone streets. People easily moved out of the way but not before viciously spitting venomous words at Vaine and Strauss. Vaine had to roll their eyes. Quietly, they wished they were instead dealing with five abnormals all at once instead of some stupid people who didn’t know better. The people of the walls may have thought they knew everything, but Vaine knew better. The people were just ignorant. Vaine was not. But they dealt with the whispers regardless. Trying to change a mass’ mind was a fool’s mission.

“If Erwin puts me in command, then he puts me in command.”

Strauss hummed, pleased by Vaine’s supposed resignation to the idea. In all honesty, they wished Erwin wouldn’t make such a decision and they would deny it if he did. They wished to be on the right flank, assisting in titan detection. The right flank was their weakest side ever damn expedition. Vaine knew the stakes, but they wanted to provide some form of relief. Their seniority may come to play, and Vaine only wanted it to be addressed when they requested to ride in the right flank. Strauss’ worries be damned.

They began to slow their horse as they approached headquarters, earning a disgruntled whinny in response. “Oh hush,” Vaine whispered to their steed with mild amusement. “You’ll get rewarded soon enough, you big lug.” They patted the strong neck of the animal, an endeared smile playing dangerously close to their lips. They turned back to face their squad, eyeing the unnerved faces of their team. “Lisle, Rachmov, and Tiller! You’re to be on stable duty, am I understood?”

The three soldiers nodded firmly with a strong, “Yes, Squad Leader!”

Vaine returned a courtesy nod and looked back up to the looming building. This was not where they wanted to be. Not at all. With a sigh, Vaine halted their horse completely. They swung their leg over the body and hopped down from the stirrup of the saddle. Strauss followed suit, finding it easier due to his taller stature. Vaine shot him a mischievous glare, annoyed by how easy their team leader had it. Strauss caught it and smirked with a smug shrug.

Vaine patted their horse on the flank and handed the reins to Lisle, who quickly came up on his own horse. “Once you three take care of the horses, make sure to get some food, yeah?” Vaine suggested with a forceful tone so the kid wouldn’t take it as optional.

“Yes, Squad Leader!” The young boy did a makeshift salute and Vaine rolled their eyes. Lisle caught the act, sheepishly retracting his curled fist from over his heart. “Sorry, Squad Leader. Force of habit.”

Vaine chuckled, patting Lisle’s knee. “It’s alright, kid. Go do your job, and Strauss and I will see you soon. Ensure your comrades don’t get into too much trouble.”

Lisle nodded firmly and began leading Vaine’s horse away, with others beginning to follow. Vaine’s full eyes stared after the young boy, who sported a mop of hay-colored hair that contrasted his bright and naive blue eyes to wonderfully. He was a good one. And it made Vaine’s gut tumble and clench all the worse.

A hand clenched over their shoulder and Vaine smiled softly. “It’ll be okay, Vaine.”

“Yeah,” they whispered weakly. They wanted to believe Strauss’ words. They truly did. After five years of working with one another, Vaine thought the kind words would finally begin to take effect. But every time Strauss said it, it seemed to roil their gut even more than the last. Every single mission and expedition, they would hear those words. Every single mission and expedition, they would watch as their comrades were stolen away, eaten, crushed, tossed, killed. It never was okay in the end except for Vaine and Strauss. And Vaine wasn’t sure how much more they could handle. 

Twelve years of service and six years of expeditions had begun to show its wear and tear on Vaine’s tired mind.

* * *

Vaine had sent Strauss to meet up with Moblit if he could find him. They were certain Erwin would oblige their request and that was all that mattered. It was best to get Strauss comfortable with Hange’s team leaders as soon as possible, seeing as they would probably be heading out soon for the next expedition: the fifty-sixth one.

Sighing, Vaine pinched the bridge of their straight nose. Fifty-five expeditions and not a single one seemed to turn up any new stone for humanity. There was the one notebook Hange apparently found a while back, but Vaine wasn’t too privy on that information. Just a casual mention, but that was it. That was all they apparently had to show for the years and years of death. So many people sent to die. So many families left without a child, husband, wife, father, mother, partner, brother, sister. Too many. And so much blood was on the leaders’ hands.

Vaine was certain their palms were stained red permanently.

They came to the door of Erwin’s office and lifted their knuckles to the wood. Vaine hesitated before knocking. God what would they even say? _Oh hey, Erwin, great to see you! Anyways, the MP are out for my head once again! Big surprise I know! Yeah, so they threatened my team leader’s partner and are probably banking on him dying to punish me. What say you on momentarily suspending all outside missions for my squad?_ It was a fucking joke. Erwin was too focused on saving humanity and suspending the outside missions did not support that dream. Though, Vaine wasn’t sure what did. Their missions had only been like culling a population; taking cattle out to slaughter and coming back with nothing but their ear tags. It was useless.

Six years...six long years of the slaughter. Vaine knew they could retire. Erwin had already offered it before, though it only ever felt like a courtesy, not a true offer. Nonetheless, Vaine refused time and time again. But maybe...maybe it wasn’t so out of the picture anymore.

“You can come in, Vaine.”

Vaine scoffed and pushed open the door to Erwin’s office. The man was fucking insane and probably could hear a titan from 100 miles away. He could breathe and be like “ah yes, there is a titan just outside of the wall, an abnormal who likes to jump and is about 12 meters tall”. Vaine wouldn’t be surprised by that sort of shit.

The nonchalant blonde sat at his desk, papers in hand as his blue eyes scrolled over the words before him. His thick brows were minutely furrowed, just enough to reveal a crack in his otherwise steeled visage. Vaine wanted to laugh at the way his brows were always so cleanly groomed. There was a bet, last they heard, that those very brows were insured by the fucking government. It seemed far too stupid a rumor, but the government just loved their little blonde golden child. Vaine wouldn’t be surprised.

“Going over insurance reports for your eyebrows?” Vaine teased with a chuckle. They walked further into the room, eyes trailing over the pristine nature of the office. Not a single thing was out of place. Vaine wanted to sneer at that. They hated when things were so...tidy. So organized. It didn’t fit. It was too clean for such a chaotic job. God forbid anyone saw into their office, though. That was a nightmare.

Erwin looked up from his documents and Vaine spied a slight tilt of his lips. It was small, but it was enough. The nerves began to unravel one by one in Vaine’s body, but they were still pulled taut. Their stomach still bubbled dangerously.

“I’m sure you know why I requested you and your squad,” Erwin’s cool voice filled the quiet space. He motioned towards a chair across from him as his eyes drifted back down to the reports. 

Vaine took a seat and crossed their legs at the knees as they leaned back. They rested their head on a hand, the other lounging comfortably in their lap. “I have an idea, yes.”

Erwin nodded. “We need you for this expedition; I’ll have your squad working relay on the left flank. The cadets graduate tonight and we leave in the morning.”

Vaine’s eyes widened. “So soon? The cadets won’t even be ready for their first expedition! They haven’t even chosen their regiments. They’ll get slaughtered!”

“They won’t be accompanying the corps, Vaine.”

The squad leader relaxed at the news, slumping back into their comfortable position. “Ah,” they sighed, “that’s good to hear. So what, you’ll leave them here until we return?”

“They’ll act as our backups for now, guarding Trost should anything go wrong.” Erwin set a report down, grabbing a pen and marking the document as complete. “However, I have faith everything will go accordingly.”

“You and your damned faith,” Vaine snickered. Though they could not deny the slight discomfort that reared its head at the thought of something going wrong. They normally had fresh cadets for expeditions. This seemed off. Vaine couldn’t place it, but something felt wrong.

Erwin looked over his papers, bright blues glinting in the afternoon light that streamed through the windows. “What is it?”

“What?”

“Your eyes,” Erwin pointed out. “You’re nervous.”

“I-“ Vaine looked down, finger itching lightly beneath their dark bangs. “I suppose I am.”

“About?”

“Just a gut feeling. But I've had a lot of those lately,” Vaine waved off the concern they knew would nag them the entire mission. They didn’t need Erwin to share in such worries. He had much larger fish to fry. “Anyways, I have some news of my own.”

Erwin nodded, setting the reports down. He interlocked his fingers over his desk and leaned forward slightly. Vaine gulped. They knew this meant he was listening. Truly listening. Not just skimming over documents and allowing the words to flow into his ears. He was interested and he would actively seek out the words that Vaine had to offer.

Vaine picked at the leather straps of the harness that pulled down their thighs. The dark brown contrasted brightly with the white pants all Survey Corps members donned, and Vaine wanted to get lost in the colors for a moment. They wanted to get lost in the trivial things that covered their body. They wanted to seek out the dust that danced in the sunlight. They wanted to look for anything that could be seen as not spick-and-span in the perfectly cleaned room. They wanted to just get lost. Even in foggy memories. Anything to avoid looking into the skies that filled Erwin’s eyes.

“Vaine!”

The door slammed open and Vaine winced at that voice. They looked up to Erwin, who only sported an amused glint in his eyes. Damn him, Vaine thought scathingly. They needed more time with him privately. This was not news they wanted going out to everyone. And Hange? Well, sometimes they struggled with keeping their mouth shut.

Vaine turned their head to greet the squad leader, only to be met with a face full of the Survey Corps jacket. “Oof,” they gasped lightly at the sudden lack of senses. 

Hange excitedly engulfed their head and shoulders in a suffocating embrace. “You forgot to say hi to me! You haven’t seen me since the last expedition and this is how I must greet you? Seriously?” Hange reprimanded them violently, nearly draining all life from Vaine as they struggled against the strong grip of their friend.

“Hange-“

“It’s been a month! I haven’t heard word from you in a month!” Hange cried out in full offense. “I have so many experiments I need to tell you about! I got a six meter that is an absolute doll, I must show them to you when we get the chance! Oh and I forgot, there is this new theory that I’ve been tinkering wi-“

“Hange,” Erwin’s chuckle was hardly restrained and though it brought Vaine annoyance to hear the humor in his voice, they clung onto it as a breath of fresh air. “You might want to release Vaine, before you suffocate them.”

Hange gasped and immediately retracted their arms from Vaine’s neck. “Oh god! Sorry, Vaine! Though it does remind me!” they seemed to squeal in excitement. They reached into a sack at their side, rummaging around with glee. “There is this new experiment I did—where is it, oh fuck I know the notes are in here somewhere—and it really is so incredible the results! I mean I never would have guessed such a thing-“

Vaine didn’t hear much of the excited rambling on by Hange, too focused on gathering air back up into their lungs. They rubbed their throat, leaning forward with elbows rested on their knees. Their chest rose and fell shakily, trying to recenter their breathing as best they could without collapsing lifelessly. Hange was perhaps the closest person to ever rob Vaine of life. That much was certain.

They could hear muffled chuckling from Erwin and despite being hunched over themselves, Vaine shot a glare up from under their brows. More than anything, they wanted to hiss “ _I’ll kill you, Smith_ ”, but they still struggled to get a proper breath from a mix of surprise and delayed recovery. They pushed up from their knees and leaned back in the chair, slumping down slightly so the back of their head could rest on the top of the back of the chair.

“Hange,” they huffed tiredly, “I...will...murder...you.”

Hange giggled light heartedly, as if the breathless threat was just a mere joke. They patted Vaine on the forehead. “Ah, you’re adorable when you’re upset, Vaine!” 

Vaine’s vision narrowed on the goggles that sat over Hange’s big brown eyes. They suddenly reached up and over their head, trying to wrap their nimble fingers around their friend’s throat. But Hange spied it easily and danced away from Vaine’s grasp, dropping some papers into their lap.

“I think you’ll find this interesting!” Hange exclaimed with glee. Vaine sighed and let their arms drop. They looked down at the papers, shuffling through them with some form of mild interest. It was a bunch of Hange’s shit handwriting, muted out by bright colors like red and blue and green. In all honesty, Vaine couldn’t read a single word.

“The fuck am I looking at?” Vaine raised a brow at Hange, who now sat at the edge of Erwin’s desk, earning a slight twitch of the perfect blond brows. Vaine smirked at that. 

Hange leaned over and pointed at the black words. “Well, basically, while I was researching with the six meter, I was able to begin to earn some understanding of a pain threshold, as noted here—though I have to admit I was a little baffled when there was a lack of reaction by these-“ they pointed at the red and blue doodles at the side in the margins, “but I think what it will eventually mean is that we can-“

“Hange.” Erwin cleared his throat politely. Vaine rolled their eyes, looking up at the commander. He sported an upward tilt at the corners of his lips, and Vaine couldn’t help but mimic it. It was...refreshing. “There is a reason I called you and Levi here, not just to talk about your...experiments.”

“Ah, right,” Hange acknowledged with a somewhat sheepish smile. 

Vaine cocked a dark brow. Levi? As in the _Levi Ackerman_? Vaine had only briefly interacted with him once before during their tenure in the corps. He was the captain; he was ranked right below Erwin and right above Hange, Vaine, Mike, and Dita. Vaine never had to interact with the captain. In all honesty, they only ever interacted with Hange, Erwin, and maybe Mike. Otherwise, Vaine kept to themself with Strauss when with the rest of the Survey Corps. His special operations squad never crossed paths with Vaine’s squad.

Vaine turned their head to look for Levi, who they assumed had entered quietly behind Hange. Their grey eyes scanned by the door, which had been closed after Hange’s incredible entrance. There, right at the doorframe, leaning against the stone walls, was Captain Levi Ackerman. 

They assessed his posture quickly, noting his visible boredom in his hooded grey eyes. Black hair fell into his nonchalant face, covering some of his features. His lips were set in a straight line and Vaine spied that they were tilted downward right at the left corner. His arms were crossed over his chest. A neatly pressed cravat decorated the neckline of his light grey button down shirt, nearly matching shades beneath his corps-issued jacket. What bothered Vaine as they looked over him was the utter pristine nature of his clothing. Not a loose threat, wrinkle or speck of dirt in sight. Even his hair failed to sport any flyaways.

It pissed them off.

Vaine held in a scoff as they turned back to Erwin, who barely seemed to notice Vaine’s momentary distraction. 

“Before you provide your news,” Erwin sighed, trying to ignore Hange’s happiness at sitting on his desk, “we need a mission report from the last month.”

The squad leader grimaced at that. They would have rather avoided any form of mission reports altogether. They knew they would need to, but god they wished they didn’t have to. Their fingers itched to scratch at the wooden arms of the chair and Vaine allowed themself the small luxury. They weren’t sure how the other three would react to the summary of the last month.

“I, uh,” Vaine began, bringing a hand up to their head and rubbing gently at their temple, “I don’t necessarily have the best of news.”

They spared a glance up at Hange and Erwin, trying to gauge how they reacted to such words. But they both only looked at them with barely contained interest: Hange’s brown eyes were wide and twinkling, and Erwin’s blues were curious with a gleam of hope. Vaine had to ignore the bored stare burning into the back of their head. 

Well, they thought, no luck in avoiding the shit storm they had brought upon themself.

“My squad and I completed four separate missions throughout the month, aiming for one per week once we returned from the fifty-fifth expedition,” Vaine allowed their memory—though shaky—to take over as they narrated. “The first two were executed outside of Karanese. We stayed within the Wall of Maria. The landscape is not ideal for ODM maneuvers at all, with only some trees and crumbled buildings to provide access points for our gear. However, we did find a forest of massive trees in the second mission once we traveled south from Karanese. We weren’t going to ever even get close to Maria even if we really tried. The abnormals there were...”

Vaine had to pause. Their eyes saw only the wide open expanse of land between Rose and Maria. There had been so much green. So much flat green. Some hills, not enough. It didn’t deter the titans one bit. They still came full-force. They still ripped into a few of Vaine’s squad. Blood had spattered on their flesh, but not the kind that steamed up and away from their face. It wasn’t the hot kind. It was the human kind. And Vaine’s memory burned at the expense.

They swallowed, looking down at their boots. “We lost fifteen on the second mission. We got lucky and only lost five on the first, the detection unit forgot to signal a ten meter and we lost them,” they muttered uncomfortably. “We spotted twelve abnormals and took out about three of them. We managed to avoid the rest. Two could jump, six could run, one crawled and four were...odd. I can’t explain how, but I just knew they were abnormal. We avoided them.”

“T-twelve?” Hange sputtered out. But instead of the excitement Vaine expected, they only picked up on nervous surprise. 

Vaine nodded. “They came from the forest, or so I assume. We dared not go in. I had already lost a team leader on that mission. I didn’t need to risk anything further. Team twelve was nearly wiped out, Strauss had to step in as team leader. I called for a retreat and we returned back to Karanese.”

Erwin’s sigh was deafeningly loud. He shifted in his chair. “And the other two missions?”

“Absolute failures,” Vaine admitted almost silently. They squeezed their eyes shut, trying to deter a familiar burn that stung the corners. They couldn’t bare to remember exactly what happened. The third mission was okay, nothing special. But the fourth one...Vaine’s chest suddenly grew suffocatingly tight. They wished Hange could instead be choking them. “It was...it was all my fault.”

Vaine clenched their jaw tightly as a kind hand rested on their knee. They already knew it was Hange, quietly offering their support. Vaine bared their teeth at the floor, close to shattering their teeth with the pressure that ached until their jaw popped in protest.

“The third mission was fine. We went north that time, up towards Nedlay. Only lost two scouts that time, but found absolutely nothing to make the deaths worth it. They were kids, only sixteen years old.” Vaine wiped at their eyes, trying to get rid of the stinging. “The fourth mission...we...we came across my old village.”

The silence was palpable. Vaine couldn’t hear any breathing. Not from their comrades. They could hear the crickets that played their symphonies in the moonlight. The crackling fire that provided comfort in the cool night air. They could hear the scouts chattering excitedly at finally finding something potentially useful. They could hear the scarce wildlife chittering in the darkness. The trees shook with little whooshes in the light breeze. The stream by them had babbled quietly and with sweet glee. Everything had seemed so peaceful.

“Nothing seemed wrong,” Vaine remarked distractedly. Their eyes saw the old buildings, decaying from five years without any life. They saw the flora overtaking the stones and wood that collapsed under the softest wind gusts. “We had gone at night that time. I hadn’t been back in...eight years. It looked the same, except everything was destroyed. And maybe that was my mistake. I allowed myself to grow distracted. And the memories...”

“You remembered things?” Erwin asked suddenly.

Vaine closed their eyes once more. Their head was starting to hurt just as violently as their heart. “Small things. Glimpses of my childhood.”

“That’s a lot,” Hange whispered encouragingly. “What? Shadis found you with your skull cracked nearly completely open and your neck just a breath away from snapping, yeah?”

Vaine winced at the foggy memory. They could barely remember that day. But it was there. Their body vividly remembered the pain. “Yes,” they muttered.

“It’s a miracle you can remember anything at all, Vaine,” Hange tried to reassure them. “It’s a miracle you’re even alive.”

“Continue, Vaine,” Erwin noted gently. Vaine nodded. They appreciated Hange’s attempts at comforting them, but that wasn’t the point of this meeting. They needed to provide a mission report, not reminisce over things that had happened.

Their nails dug into the wood arms of the chair and they sniffed slightly to readjust their emotions. They would not collapse in front of the trio. They refused to. Strauss had already seen it.

“We camped out at the ruins of my old village. We split into two groups on my command. I thought it best should there be a surprise. And, I suppose it worked,” Vaine recalled the decision. Strauss had felt wary about it, but they decided it would have been best. If something were to happen, half the squad would have been okay. But there had not ever been reports of titans attacking at night. So it was a mere precaution. “Around four hours before dawn, I was woken up. The earth had rumbled. I thought the dirt below was about to crack open and eat us up. No one else seemed to notice and were all asleep.

“I couldn't shake if it was a dream or real. I just knew something was wrong. I grabbed my gear and ran to where the other half of the squad were, across the village. About halfway there, something,” Vaine’s eyes widened at the floor as they remembered the event, “something happened. There was a flash. It was so bright. I thought I was going to go blind.” They clenched their hands tightly, so tightly that they may draw blood. But they couldn’t feel it. They could feel the blistering heat on their flesh, burning them. “And then there it was.”

“What was it?” Hange tried to encourage Vaine’s report.

Vaine saw it as clear as day. “It was a titan. Twelve meters. But it was different. My eyes were scorched by the explosion but I still had some visibility. I thought maybe it was an abnormal at first, but when it straightened up, I realized how wrong I was.” They leaned back and pulled their hands up to their face, rubbing their palms down before pinching their nose as their head began to throb. “I sent out an acoustic shell to wake my half before sending out a purple flare. I-I made the decision to pursue it,” they looked over at Erwin, who only seemed disappointed, “and don’t give me that look, Erwin. I’m alive and so is half of my squad.”

“It was still an unnecessary risk to pursue,” Erwin chastised them. Vaine rolled their eyes.

They crossed their arms over their bound chest. “I killed it, and in doing so, saved half of my squad.”

Hange was devastated by this admission. “You killed it?!” they exclaimed with horror. They accidentally squeezed Vaine’s knee. “Vaine! If you had captured it, we could have studied it! We could have figured out why it exploded! We could have learned-“

Vaine shot their friend a dangerous glare, not interested in the science at the moment. “I lost thirty-nine people total, Hange. I didn’t give a flying fuck about some answers. I only have seventeen people left in my squad. I now have thirty-nine separate houses to visit. Thirty-nine families to relay the information that their child or partner or parent is no longer coming home. I don’t even have bodies to deliver home.”

A shaky exhale left their quivering lips. They looked away from both their commander and friend. 

“By the time I got there, nine of the scouts were dead from the explosion alone. Four were injured and wouldn’t have been able to fight anyways. I watched as two were grabbed and eaten almost simultaneously. Two were in gear, still tired from sleep and trying to get the nape. I got the injured into one of the buildings, trying to save them. When I went back out, the other two scouts were skewered on some trees.

“My half still had not arrived there and I had four scouts to protect. I made the decision to engage,” Vaine barely heard their own voice, too absorbed in the memory of that night that only played out a week ago. “They were fast. Really fucking fast. I had to take out their ankles first. That was a bitch. Their arms were the problem. They had fucking four.

“The bottom two were weaker, so I went after those first and cut them off. I had to maneuver off of the rubble of the buildings and the titan. I was able to get to their eyes and once they were distracted, I got their ankles one last time and they fell...” Vaine winced at the memory. “They fell right on top of the building with my injured scouts. The ones I was fighting to protect. And they were dead because I was an idiot and didn’t take note of my surroundings.

“Their arms were pinned under their body and I was able to make quick work of their nape. Right as I dealt the final blow, my squad arrived with the horses.” Vaine looked at one of the cabinets in the room, finding sudden interest in the intricate detailing of the wood grains that nature had created. “We found a crater in the ground, shaped like the titan. We think it was hibernating or something along those lines and the squad didn’t recognize it in their naïveté. The explosion we concluded was from a few gas tanks being thrown and busted in the fire when the titan shifted. No one from that half survived. My injuries were superficial and healed within a couple of days. I ordered a return that very moment when my half reached me.”

Erwin leaned back into his chair, silent as the grave. Vaine looked back over to him and Hange. Both of them looked overwhelmed, surprised by the events Vaine had reported. They didn’t want to have to tell anyone. To relive that night. It was still too fresh. Vaine didn’t even feel proud. They didn’t feel successful. They felt like a failure. A complete and utter failure. Thirty-nine deaths. Vaine’s worst loss yet. A little under three-fourths of their squad was gone. It was an embarrassment. People dead for no good reason.

“I suppose it is a good thing we have a new cadet class then,” Erwin mumbled thoughtfully, scratching his sharply clean chin. “We’ll hopefully be able to get enough to the scouts to provide you a full squad recovery, and-“

“No.”

“What?”

Vaine inhaled sharply. Their eyes burned, not with tears, but with regret. Strauss would hate them. “I can’t, Erwin,” they almost cried pathetically. “I cant keep sending these kids to their deaths. Every single time I have a mission series, I lose too many. The Military Police are after me. They threatened Strauss’ partner-“

“Wait, wait!” Hange held up their hands. Vaine painfully glanced at Hange’s surprised visage. They leaned on their knees, hands holding up their upper body. Their wild brown hair tilted along with their head and Vaine wasn’t sure what was going on in their head. “You and Strauss aren’t...ya know...” they made a motion with their hands, laying their palms together.

Vaine’s jaw dropped. “Are you-“

“What?!” Hange tried to surrender, suddenly holding up their hands. “Everyone thought you two were close! Even Erwin here had a suspicion!”

Vaine fell back into their chair, eyes wide in disbelief. “It’s my fucking luck that when I am here—close to retiring for good because I have just disclosed such a report of death and failure and my team is being threatened for such consistent failures—that only you, Hange, would bring up such assumptions,” they had to stifle an exhausted laugh of disbelief. They leaned their head back, rubbing their eyes harshly. Maybe they just imagined the whole thing. That’s it. This couldn’t actually be how the conversation was going. Absolutely not. “I cannot handle this right now.”

“It was an innocent question!”

Vaine groaned out, “Hange, I will murder you, I promise it on my mother’s grave.”

“I won’t let you retire, Vaine,” Erwin selfishly admitted, acknowledging the now awkwardly tense air in the room. “We can’t lose you. Humanity can’t lose you.”

Vaine’s shoulders sagged. They should have known. They should have fucking known. They grabbed hold of their right wrist and rested their hands on top of their bangs-covered forehead. “I know,” they muttered in surrender. 

“The Military Police will do whatever necessary to intimidate and coerce those close to you,” Erwin acknowledged, “but you can’t let it affect you, or your squad.”

Vaine laughed humorlessly. “Of course! I shall tell Strauss to ignore the concerns of the one he loves most. In fact, I shall give him a head injury, maybe he’ll forget all about it so it doesn’t affect him on missions!”

“ _Tch_.”

Vaine stiffened at the new sound that rattled their soul. It was so...condescending. Just a sound. Just a damned sound. And it made Vaine feel like they were a ripe sixteen-year old once more, cowardly holding the belts for ODM gear without a clue in the world. How pathetic.

“Tell your team leader to maybe learn a thing or two about their duty, their oath, before creating a disappointing relationship,” Levi Ackerman droned with disappointment. “He should know better.”

Vaine closed their eyes and their nostrils flared. Oh they really needed to keep their lips shut. They knew they needed to. But Vaine couldn’t help the sneer that ripped onto their lips. 

“I don’t remember asking your opinion, _Heichō_ ,” Vaine spat with dripping sarcasm. 

They heard Hange quickly scramble off of Erwin’s desk. “Ah, yes, well, Vaine, why don’t we go get a drink, yeah?” They placed their hands on Vaine’s shoulders, ushering the exhausted squad leader to try and stand. “You love a good ale, so why don’t we go get one, hmm?”

Vaine retracted their hands, looking up at Hange who sported wide and frantic eyes beneath their goggles. Hange offered a forced grin that didn’t reach their big eyes. Normally, Vaine would pick an argument just for the sake of seeing Hange sputter, but if they did at this moment, they weren’t sure they would leave Erwin’s office without blood on their hands. They sighed and leaned forward, pushing off the arms of the chair.

They stood to their full height, only an inch or two shorter than Hange. Erwin nodded at them, offering a small sympathetic apology with his eyes. Vaine wanted to roll their eyes. They knew he didn’t mean it. If he did, he would let them go. He would let Strauss take over. He would let them die in peace. But he was selfish. And so was Vaine. 

“If you won’t let me go,” Vaine placed a hand on Erwin’s desk and leaned over slightly, “all I ask is that the remainder of my squad works with Hange’s during the expedition tomorrow. I want to be on the right flank with detection.”

“You’ll be in command with me.”

“No,” Vaine denied the command. “Put me on the right flank, Erwin. Suspend my missions until the MP get off my squad’s ass; once they are, I’ll resume them. I will stay if you do this for me.”

Erwin looked up at them with a steeled gaze. Vaine couldn't tell for sure what their commander was thinking, but they couldn’t care less. They just wanted what they requested—no, what they demanded. The blues of his eyes were hard and unforgiving, a color Vaine knew they would never forget. A color Vaine could once recall from someone a long time ago that their foggy memory teased them with. But they were long gone. This was Erwin. And Erwin was contemplating his decision silently, jaw clenched and moving beneath his fair flesh.

“Fine,” he sighed in resignation. “But if anything goes wrong, I need you to retreat to my squad, understood?”

“Perfectly.” Vaine smirked, though there was a sense of sadness in their victory. This wasn’t what they wanted, but it was what they got. “Thanks, eyebrows.”

Erwin couldn’t hide the small quirk of his lips as he dismissed Vaine and Hange. Vaine pulled up from the desk and met eyes with Hange, who seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. They slung their arm around Hange’s shoulders, ready to get shit-faced before yet another expedition they would undoubtedly regret in the late hours of the night. At least getting drunk allowed for them to forget the reality of their horror-filled life for a few hours.

They crossed Erwin’s office and Vaine paused at the door, grey eyes clashing with the shorter captain.

“My apologies, Captain Levi,” Vaine sang far too sweetly. “It is a pleasure to properly meet humanity’s shortest—I mean, _strongest_ soldier. I look forward to working with you in the future should the opportunity present itself.” They extended a hand, Hange trying to use their body to pull Vaine away. 

Levi looked down at the offered hand and only gave a small “ _tch_ ” before turning away. Vaine smiled.

They let their hand drop and steered Hange back to the door. “Drinks on Moblit?” Vaine offered as they opened the door.

“What? Why?!” Hange’s eyes widened. Vaine chuckled at the reaction and pulled Hange closer to them with a bright smile.

* * *

Erwin released an exhale of exhaustion. Having Vaine back in the midst of things was certainly helpful, but he couldn’t deny the squad leader could prove to be...bristly in many ways.

“ _Tch_.” Levi’s annoyance was loud, encouraging Erwin’s sudden headache to grow in strength. He placed his head in his hands, not afraid to allow Levi to see him in such a state. “You let them walk over you like that, Erwin?”

The commander’s eyes turned up towards the captain, who finally pushed off the wall once the door was soundly shut. He walked over to the desk, arms crossed with clear disdain. The captain eyed the spot Hange had sat on the desk and quickly produced a rag from one of his pockets. He wiped down the spot with a scoff.

Erwin couldn’t stop his small smile.

“Vaine is a good soldier,” he tried to defend. He clenched his fists together and pressed his lips to them. “They do their job and that’s all I can ask for. Forgive me if I indulge them a little.”

“They’re a petulant brat.” Levi folded his rag and placed it back into his pocket. 

Erwin chuckled. “Ah, even a brat at just three years younger than yourself?”

Levi’s hooded eyes looked down at Erwin without amusement. “Perhaps if they acted their age-“

“Levi,” Erwin sighed tiredly. The captain only raised a brow at the interruption. “Vaine has done this for twelve years. It’ll be thirteen this winter. Shadis entrusted them with outside missions six years ago, about a year before transferring power to me. Shadis considered Vaine for the position, but Shadis admitted to me that they lacked certain...qualities.”

“They’re even more selfish than you,” Levi correctly deciphered. Erwin wasn’t surprised. Levi knew him better than anyone.

“Among other reasons, yes.” Erwin looked over his shoulder towards the window behind him. He could barely spy the remnants of Vaine’s squad as they smiled and laughed outside in the streets. “Vaine is reckless. Though I would argue that came about after years of missions that only brought about low survival rates.”

“Who would have guessed?” Levi muttered sarcastically. Erwin could tell he was quickly losing the minimart interest of his captain. 

Erwin turned and gazed at the shorter man. Humanity’s strongest. “I request you be patient with them, Levi.”

“No promises.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the continued support! This chapter is a beast, sitting at almost 12k words!! I got a little excited and thought I’d add some drama lmao. Got it out a little earlier than expected because I binged all three seasons yet again before watching the recent episode for season 4, and I just got so excited. Hope y’all enjoy!
> 
> cw:  
> -purposeful misgendering at the beginning, brief  
> -cussing, quite a bit  
> -titan gore, quite a bit

“I told you on your fourth tankard to maybe slow it down,” Strauss sang teasingly.

Vaine groaned. They pulled their hood closer to their cheeks, desperately trying to get the shadows to block out the blinding light that shined far too brightly from above. Their head was throbbing. It was so close to exploding and they thought they might actually slump off of their horse as a headless corpse. The people watching their departure would certainly be in for quite the surprise.

“Why did you let me drink with Hange?” Vaine hissed like a creature afraid of the day. 

Strauss’ laughter threatened to collapse Vaine’s skull and the squad leader groaned in annoyance. “Well it was either that or apparently getting into a fight with the captain,” he chuckled loudly.

“The fucking pipsqueak had shit to say,” Vaine defended quietly, trying desperately to hide away from the the sun. “Why the fuck is it so sunny out? Can’t it be raining?”

“Ah yes,” Strauss sighed, “a hungover Vaine in the rain is much better than a hungover Vaine in the sun. You’d probably complain so much that everyone might just feed themselves to the titans to get away.”

Vaine lifted an arm and threw a disgruntled punch at Strauss’ shoulder. The man yelped. He jerked the reins of his horse and the creature snorted in dismay at the startling movement. 

“I’ll botch your gear,” Vaine warned threateningly. 

Strauss rolled his eyes. “Yeah yeah, sure you would.” He placed a hand on top of Vaine’s hooded head and rubbed incessantly. Vaine batted away the large hand of their closest friend with a whine. They were unsure as to how their head was not just a bloodied stump upon their shoulders. “Aw c’mon, Vaine, gimme a good threat when you’re sober. Then maybe I’ll actually be scared.”

Vaine sneered under the safety of their hood but was unable to keep it up. “Just watch my back and maybe I won’t slit your throat in your sleep.”

“Just don’t get drunk the night before an expedition and maybe I’ll actually believe you for once.”

“Awww!” 

Vaine froze. No. They loved them but they couldn’t possibly dream of handling their rambunctious nature. Not right now.

“Is our little Vaine hungover?” Hange’s chipper tone was like a dagger to Vaine’s throbbing brain.

They could practically hear the grin in Strauss’ words. “Oh, I’m pretty sure you drank them under the table, Hange-san. You know how they can get when they don’t win.”

Vaine’s grip on the reins tightened. “I’ll murder you both. Very, very slowly.”

Hange slapped a hand on Vaine’s back with a loud guffaw. “Oooh, sweet Vaine! You wish you could! Unlucky for you, however, is that I don’t sleep. The titans require my every waking moment! Science does not wait for rest!”

“Hmph.” Vaine grunted. “Maybe science will tell you to keel over and die then.”

“C’mon, Vaine,” Strauss cooed mockingly, “no need to throw a tantrum.”

“Tch. Will the three of you shut up already?”

Vaine’s eye twitched as their gaze shot up to the green cloak ahead of them. The white and blue wings of freedom burned brightly against the forest green fabric, just like the very same ones on their back. However, the face that was barely turned over the shoulder was enough to nauseate Vaine.

“Mind your business, pipsqueak,” Vaine gritted out as their teeth ground together. Their jaw threatened to pop but seeing as their head had yet to combust, they really couldn’t have cared less about the screeching ache in the joints.

Hange and Strauss traded ear-grating nervous chuckles. 

“Alright, Vaine let’s-“

“Hungover on the job?” Levi cooly shot back with only the most blatant displays of unimpressed apathy. “No wonder you’re having issues with your squad.”

Vaine could imagine driving their sword directly into his back. Like right at this moment. They could and would kill him. Who would care that didn’t already? Maybe the crowd that lined the streets would be upset. But weren’t they already? Weren’t the people already hating Vaine? What more could a little extra hate do? Perhaps Erwin would not be...ecstatic. Well, he would have to deal with it. Him and his insured eyebrows. Hange would definitely be pissed, but they would learn to deal with it. The pair were close; Vaine knew that confidently and Hange would assuredly come to their rescue. Humanity’s strongest? Pfft, what a load of horse shit. Vaine had taken down titans on their own too. It wasn’t that big a deal. So maybe Captain Levi wouldn’t be missed. Definitely not by Vaine.

Vaine opened their mouth to give a witty (most definitely a threat of murder) retort.

“Commander Erwin really thought it would be good to bring her along?”

They froze.

“She’s killed more than half her squad but still gets to be in the regiment?”

“Please, this means we’re only going to get ten people back...if that! And this is the main body of the regiment!”

“She’s a butcher!”

“Good thing Captain Levi is going, maybe he’ll feed her to a titan.”

Vaine’s jaw popped. It would take an absolute idiot to not realize that the one and only Vaine Belskin was the object of the cruel remarks. Perhaps they were a butcher, they could agree. But they weren’t...they weren’t...that person anymore. They never truly had been. That part was the twist of the knife in their heart. They could handle slander from the cowards who they protected every single fucking day. They could handle it. But the blatant disregard for their humanity? That was the part that ached.

Perhaps they would just go and get eaten just for the sake of never having to hear that shit again.

“Vaine,” Strauss’ voice was quiet and concerned as he placed a soft hand on their shoulder, “don’t listen to them.”

“Yeah,” they replied quietly, knuckles white from their scarring grip on the reins. Their eyes seemed able to both focus and unfocus at the same time, struggling to see and process the fine black hairs of their horse’s mane. A few fingers twitched out to mess with the hairs, but they couldn’t quite reach out. Or maybe they didn’t want to. Maybe they just wanted to curl away and never see the light of day again. Maybe they just wanted this mission to be their last. It would soon be thirteen years. Thirteen long and arduous years. Surely, they could rest soon? Maybe this would be the one. Maybe then they wouldn’t have to listen to the painful jeers that stabbed them in the back.

Strauss’ hand curled over their shoulder, thumb rubbing softly over their cloak. “Hey Vaine,” he murmured, “let’s not do anything rash, yeah?”

“Why would I do anything rash?” Vaine absently questioned, eyes burning through the black mane that shifted in the light breeze. “I always have a plan.”

“Mm, yes,” Strauss budged slightly, “but you also plan to die every single mission, so let’s not follow through on that.”

They scoffed. “Yes, but have I yet?”

“Well, no-“

“Then don’t bring it up,” Vaine cut off their team leader quite quickly.

The trio looked up—though Vaine more so peeked a quick glance at the shuddering gate to Wall Rose as it trembled open—as they finally were about to leave the city of Trost. Hange squealed in childish glee, clapping their hands together with bright eyes covered under goggles. Vaine smirked slightly at the sight of joy upon their friend’s face, thought it quickly morphed into a wince as a stabbing announced itself from the rumbling gate. Perhaps they really should have cut themselves off after four tankards. But Hange had just kept drinking...

“Oh imagine the titans we could come across!” Hange nearly threw themself off of their horse in a show of pure, unadulterated ecstasy. “What if we come across an abnormal? Or something like the one you came across Vaine?! Imagine how much we could learn! Don’t you understand how awesome it would be?!”

Vaine pinched the bridge of their nose.

“I’m pretty sure we came across one already,” Levi muttered from in front of Vaine. The squad leader looked up from their squinted eyelids, curious but also quickly comprehending who Levi was insinuating with his apathetic tilt. 

Hange startled, looking around wildly. “What?! Where?!”

Strauss snickered quietly and Vaine, despite the building pressure in their head, couldn’t help the smirk that quirked their lips.

Levi reached over from Hange’s left and grabbed a fistful of their oak brown hair. He tilted their head towards him and muttered, “Right here.”

Vaine snorted, unable to deny the humor of the captain’s implication. They had to admit, it was...funny. Dry, but funny. Perhaps the only sense of humor the captain would ever be able to achieve. 

Hange pouted. “Ah, you’re no fun Levi.”

“Tch.” He pulled his hand away and righted himself on his horse. 

“Don’t worry, Hange,” Vaine muttered, clapping their friend on the shoulder as they pulled up to their right. “I can’t believe all that anger manages to stay locked up in that short a bottle.”

Levi stilled but before he could turn to say anything, a skull rattling hit was thrummed against Vaine’s head. They yelped at the pain that pulsed vividly throughout their mind. Hands clawing at the green hood that covered their head, they shot a deathly glare at the culprit. “What the fuck, Strauss?!”

Strauss held up his hands, offering a sheepish grin. “Sorry, Squad Leader, just wanted to make sure your head was on right before the expedition.” Hange erupted into a fit of raucous laughter that grated on Vaine’s ears until they swore blood trickled down the sides of their head.

With a numbing rub across the back of their head, Vaine promised their team leader only the most painful of deaths with a simple glare.

Levi snorted.

* * *

The city they were cleaning out wasn’t horribly infested with the towering creatures, but there had been enough. 

Vaine careened through the almost stale air with a serene smile, enjoying the way the wind whipped through their dark hair. It felt like when their mother would often run her fingers through their hair as a child. When they were naive to the horrors of the world. When they were a simple child: Yvaine Belskin. When they knew not of the weight of responsibility that would be placed on their shoulders. When they could be complacent in terrors beyond their years. When they were just a child who loved their mother’s rare embrace.

Vaine sighed and smiled softly. What a time that had been. And what a time they were living in now.

Whipping their head back, they threw their body into a flip. The streets and buildings below seemed to slowly morph with the wind as Vaine flew through the air. They chuckled at the sight of a freshly dead titan before tilting their eyes up to face the next one who had come for their own wake. Vaine pressed the triggers and their ODM gear whirred to life as the tough cables shot out before them. The spikes at the end found purchase in the side of what looked to once have been a living space that stood southwest from the titan. 

The creature’s jaw hung open lamely, rows of exposed teeth and gum greeting Vaine. It had a hooked nose that was far too pronounced to ever be considered natural. Well, it also sat on the face of a 10-meter titan, so already not off to a good start for looking “natural”. Half-lidded blue eyes aimed lifelessly at Vaine as they hurled closer and closer.

“You’re pretty fucking ugly,” they sighed, almost disappointed. “Well, good thing I’m here to put you out of your misery!” Vaine’s body rocketed through the air past the titan, who tried fruitlessly to grab at them. As soon as they were past the lumbering giant, they released their cables and twisted their body so they were facing the back of the beast. With a smirk, Vaine shot the cables at the nape of the titan’s neck. They readied their swords and cheered in sweet release as they ripped the blades through the creature’s flesh. Hot blood spattered all over them, steam billowing up from their body as they floated for a brief moment in the air. Vaine released the cables from the now falling behemoth.

They turned their head and spotted a few more of the slow moving regulars only a couple streets down. With a sigh, Vaine shot their cables out to a looming bell tower. An old and often suppressed roiling bubbled up in their stomach as they collided with the derelict shingles that made up the roof of the tower. Their eyes stared momentarily at the collapsing body and they ground their teeth together as they shook their head. They couldn’t feel guilty. They couldn’t. Not now. People had already died on the expedition. Vaine had to stay focused. Guilt was not something they could afford.

The titans were just mere mindless creatures. Nothing could save them.

Vaine clenched their jaw, ignoring a familiar ache in their joints. Five titans. They had gotten five total so far. No abnormals thus far, which was good. This, however, was the most amount of titans Vaine had encountered solo in such a short amount of time. It was...tiring. They took a deep breath and centered their vision on the three creatures that were lumbering ahead. 

“Two to the north, one to the east,” they quietly analyzed, eyes shifting between each one. No special attributes. Nothing odd about them. That was good. Just plain and stupid titans.

Vaine grabbed hold of one of the columns, releasing their gears for a brief moment to ready their angle. They would take out the single first, then aim for the pair. They didn’t see anyone else from the regiment, which meant they would have to do it on their own. Vaine smirked. They were just racking up their kills now.

Cables whirring with excitement, Vaine pressed down the releases and their ODM gear sang through the steam-filled air. They gripped their blades just a bit tighter, angling their body so they could move faster in the sky. “C’mere ugly,” they whispered in anticipation as the wind whipped against their face and through their dark hair.

Vaine readied their glinting blades. The cables ripped them between the tall buildings that lined the streets. They giggled in ecstasy as they hopped over streets with the use of the ODM gear that sat on their lower back. The heavy mechanics threatened to weigh them down as they soared towards their target, but years and years of using the maneuvering gear had trained them to learn how to fly like the birds above.

With a joyous cackle, Vaine quickly reached their target, shooting the cables into a building to the side of the titan. They jerked their body sideways, attempting to approach from the right and wrap around the titan from the front before slicing into its nape as they released the cables. They narrowed their grey eyes in determination, barely avoiding a stray swat by the titan.

Vaine looked back in slight surprise at the speed of the hand. The titan had been moving slowly. Where the fuck had the reflexes come from?

They schooled their head, turning their gaze forward to prepare for the twist around, but a strong force shuddered their movements to a halt. 

“Fuck!” Vaine shouted. In their moment of surprise, the titan’s other hand had come up and created a wall for the squad leader. Vaine grunted as the large fingers wrapped around their body. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!”

Vaine wriggled around, desperately trying to get out of the tightening grip that threatened to crush them. Their left arm was pinned under the titan’s thumb, and their knees down were only barely able to kick about. Using their right arm, they hurriedly flipped their blade and began stabbing at the muscles and tendons as best they could. The titan rumbled lowly, almost as if it chuckled at Vaine’s current predicament.

“Hi!” Vaine called to the brown-eyed giant with a wave of their bloodied blade. “Hi! Yeah, if you could just loosen your grip a little bit? That would be great! Thank you!” Vaine put their best smile on, even batting their lashes a little harder. They weren’t worried about dying. No, that wasn’t something running through their mind even as the titan raised its arm and opened its gaping maw. They were just worried about injuries. 

Vaine couldn’t afford those.

“This is sort of rude!” Vaine exhaled in exasperation. They rolled their eyes and tried to shift slightly, but the titan’s grasp was tightening. Painfully. Vaine winced in true pain as a crushing began to rattle their chest. The air grew more and more difficult to take in and their gear began to ache in protest. Their trapped blade even began to dig into their white pants, drawing out blood and a pained wince. 

The titan pulled Vaine up to its mouth, threatening to just stuff them in. “You really don’t wanna do this!” Vaine sang, grimacing at the disgusting saliva that webbed between the large teeth. The grasp of the titan slipped slightly as it began to drop Vaine into its mouth. They smirked, though definitely in pain as their lungs and ribs creaked in indignation. Vaine wriggled out their trapped arm and just as the titan dropped them in, they dug their blades into the slimy tongue of the behemoth. Their body slid down quite easily, but Vaine refused to let go of their moist weapons. 

“Yahoo!”

Vaine smirked. “Told you!” they called out to the still open maw. They spied Hange flying from in front of the titan and up and over the creature. Vaine grimaced as they tightened their grip. Their boots dangled down the creature’s throat, and they kicked about. The titan found this irritating, trying to reach down its own mouth to rid of the issue. Vaine smiled at this, knowing they were acting as a distraction while Hange cut its nape. They tried to kick up and get some form of traction, but the saliva in the mouth was too much and their feet kept slipping.

“Hmm,” Vaine remarked after a moment, “maybe I didn’t think this through.”

Despite their tight grip, the saliva was working against Vaine and their fingers were losing traction. 

“Hurry up, Hange!” they called out to their friend. And right as they did, they could hear the distinct slice of metal against titan flesh and muscle. The titan gave a choked groan, rumbling through Vaine’s slipping body. “And here we go,” they noted with a wince. They closed their eyes as the ground became visible through the limp mouth of the titan. Pressing their body tightly to the wretchedly slick surface, Vaine braced themself for the inevitable impact they would surely feel in the morning.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” they murmured against the bumpy tongue, pressing their cheek into their salivated shoulder. Vaine clenched their eyes shut as the titan collapsed heavily onto the stone streets. Their entire body shuddered in crying protest as they were jerked about in the mouth of the dead titan. Pain crawled up through their clothes and spread rapidly through their flesh and muscles, staining their bones like an infection. Vaine groaned at the new wave of debilitating aches.

Dust and debris bloomed in the open mouth, whipping about and scratching Vaine’s exposed flesh. 

Vaine dared a peek, trying with one eye to see if they were still alive. “Oooookay...” they trailed off, the second eye slowly opening. The mouth was dark and dusty, eliciting a sneeze and dry cough from the squad leader. They allowed one hand to slip from the blade’s handle and rubbed their nose. Sticky saliva came away and they groaned in disgust this time around. “You’ve got to be shitting me.”

With a sigh, Vaine ripped their blades out. The titan had fallen forward, but their head was slightly tilted to the left. That provided some good news for Vaine. They wiped their forehead, a stuffiness making itself known despite the slight draft that drifted in through the slight gap between the titan’s teeth. “Forgot how hot it is,” Vaine quietly noted, flicking off the steaming saliva. 

They crawled over to the gap between the teeth and easily propped it open using their blades like a lever. 

Slipping through the almost weightless teeth, Vaine grinned wildly as they stepped onto the stone streets. 

“Hahahaha!” they cheered excitedly, raising their right arm with their dulled blades in hand.

“Vaine, are you fucking insane?!” Strauss called out as he flew into the streets with a slight stumble. He stalked over to Vaine, eyes wide with worry and fury. “I said-“

“I told you I had a plan!” Vaine grinned, patting Strauss on the shoulder. The saliva that covered their body was disgusting and they couldn’t help the slightly unreal giggle that left their lips as the sticky slickness webbed between their hand and Strauss’ cloak. “I always have one.”

“Vaine!!” Hange’s excited cheer made their ears ring but they smiled over their shoulder as they saw the squad leader approach. Hange bounced over with happiness, arms wide with swords reflecting the sunlight through the settling dust. “What was it like?! Was it hot? Was it slimy? Oh my! We’re going to need to save all of the saliva and mucus that we can! Moblit! We need to get something to save the saliva in, come here!”

Hange was poking and prodding all around at Vaine, holding up the sticky substance in the light. Vaine chuckled, flicking more of the shit off of themself.

“I’m gonna kill you, Vaine,” Strauss exhaled with a pinch to his strong nose. 

Vaine smiled. “Too bad that titan almost beat you to it!”

Strauss ran his hands over his face as Moblit came rushing over, a jar in hand as Hange quickly tried to hurry him in their collection. The scientist was scooping the substance by the handful, some of it steaming away from Vaine’s clothing and flesh. The orange-haired team leader rested a hand over his gear at his hips, the other running through the waves that sat atop his skull. His green eyes looked up and down Vaine as they were thoroughly examined by Hange. 

“Hey,” he said quickly, eyes focusing in on their left leg, “what happened?”

Vaine cocked their head slightly and looked down at their leg. The fabric was ripped down the front where the sword had dug into. The leather straps were frayed, barely hanging on by threads. Which meant their gear’s gas tank was not going to be able to be supported on their left side. “Oh, that! Yeah, just ripped my clothes,” Vaine brushed off with a shrug. 

Strauss’ eyes met their own. “What the hell ripped them that badly?”

Vaine’s eye twitched. “Who knows? I scraped a few buildings here and there. I wouldn’t be surprised if I ripped it in the process of maneuvering. No big deal!”

“Alright,” Strauss slowly accepted, eyes returning back to the ripped clothing. He sighed and rubbed the top of Vaine’s head. “Just be more careful, yeah? How’s your head?”

Vaine swatted away their friend’s hand. “Eh fine. Pain went away once I started killing the tall bastards. Hange’s voice chased away the hangover on the ride here anyways.”

Strauss chuckled and wrapped an arm around Vaine’s shoulders before grimacing at the still present saliva. 

Hange cooed at a jar of the substance, holding it close to their face with twinkling eyes. “Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful! Vaine!” They turned towards the still drenched squad leader with a beaming grin. “You don’t understand how helpful this is!! Thank you!”

Vaine smiled and lightly punched Hange’s shoulder. “I live to serve,” they teased breathlessly. They winced and grabbed at their ribs. “Ah yeah, that hurts.”

“What? What’s wrong?” Strauss’s voice hiked up a pitch in worry.

Vaine waved their friend off. “I’m fine. Just...uh, just sore.”

“No, no, you’re obviously not just-“

“Squad Leader Zoë! Squad Leader Belskin!”

Vaine and Hange both whipped their heads around at an approaching trio on horseback. The pair watched curiously as the three seemed...anxious.

“What’s going on?” Vaine called out to the three, pulling away from Strauss and Hange. They winced lightly at the sudden pressure of their steps.

“Commander Erwin is ordering a return to Wall Rose!”

“What? Why?” Hange exclaimed in disappointment. “There’s so many titans to come across! So much potential for science!”

“Hange-“ Moblit tried desperately to calm his squad leader down.

“A pack of titans are heading north.”

Vaine blanched and a silence fell amongst the group. They all knew what that meant. Titans followed wherever the most accessible population was. They followed wherever the highest population was. They knew it from studying their habits the past five years. They knew the titans entered Wall Maria after a hole was formed by the Colossal and Armored Titans. They knew that titans were not intelligent but they were smart when it came to following like a pack. And if they were heading for Wall Rose...for Trost...

“Strauss!” Vaine turned quickly. “Gather up the squad! Now!”

Strauss saluted, unable to form any dissent at their command because he knew just exactly what this meant too. He quickly took off with his ODM gear and Vaine watched as Hange barked similar commands to Moblit. 

Vaine looked down at the dirty street. This couldn’t be happening. Not again. It couldn’t be. Five years. Five fucking years. Things had been okay. Difficult, but okay. It couldn’t be...

They ran a hand through their dark hair, slicking back their black bangs. “Hange...” They slowly looked up and to the side, meeting the just as wide of eyes hidden behind goggles. “This can’t be happening again, can it?”

Hange stayed silent, eyes trailing down to the ground and up at the trio. If Trost was being attacked while the main Scout Regiment was out on an expedition, then that only left the...

Vaine felt a cough coming up and they quickly held a hand to their lips. Their ribs screeched in rattling pain that scraped up and down their bruised lungs. A hot substance hit their palm and Vaine looked down as they pulled their hand away.

Dark red blood mixed with saliva and Vaine clenched their first tightly. 

* * *

Vaine’s eyes widened in pure fear at the sight before them. Titans were clambering to get into a massive hole in the gate of Wall Rose. They could hear Strauss’ gasp of surprise and they exchanged worried looks with the team leader. 

“Vaine!”

The squad leader turned to face Erwin, who refused to let any emotion betray his true feelings of the situation. His thick brows were only furrowed to create little divots in his fair flesh. Eyes blazing with determination, the blues threatening to rival the once beautiful sky that was now mixed with the setting sun, and ash and smoke from the city. He refused to take his eyes away from the disaster that was growing closer and closer with the pounding hoof falls from the horses.

“Take Vaine Squad and grapple up the wall from the right. Nothing gets past that gate!”

Vaine nodded and with a pointed flick of their right hand, they and their squad pulled away from the main line of the regiment. Strauss began barking out orders to the small group they still had left. Vaine scanned quickly over the faces and sighed with relief in realizing they had not lost anyone thus far. Even Lisle, baby-faced and wide-eyed as ever, was still kicking. Good. That was good. 

“Vaine are you going to be okay?” Strauss called out over the beating of hooves against packed dirt. 

The squad leader forced a smile. “I’m fine. Focus on our mission, soldier.”

Strauss pursed his thin lips but nodded all the same, determination blazing in those green eyes. “You know your mission!” he cried to the team following closely behind them. “Don’t let a single titan through the gate! And if they get through, slay them where they stand! Don’t let them get into Trost!”

Vaine hummed in approval at the commands. Strauss was more than prepared to take over for them. Erwin needed to see that. Surely, he could? Vaine looked to their left as they pulled farther and farther away from the main regiment. Erwin’s eyes blazed in the orange light of the setting sun. But they were pointed forward, only focused on the task at hand. Vaine sighed. No, Erwin didn’t care. He had his goal. His dream. Letting Vaine go apparently would ruin that dream. 

Vaine would not be allowed to die in peace.

They covered ground quickly. Vaine readied their gear and shot the cables to the shoulder of a distracted 10 meter. It was too focused on running towards the hole in Wall Rose. Vaine slipped their boots from the stirrups of their horse and released the triggers on their blades to rocket towards the titan. They quickly ran their blades through the titan flesh, slicing it with a satisfying spray of hot blood. Vaine smirked as the behemoth crumbled to its knees, bracing themself for the impact. Strauss looked back in worry but Vaine motioned with a blood covered blade to keep going.

“Push forward Strauss! I’ve got the stragglers! Keep that gate clear!”

He thinned his lips but only nodded his head in response.

Vaine jumped to the ground and whistled for their horse. The animal galloped back, exhaling gusts through its widened nostrils. They grabbed the reins and swung their body back into the saddle, whipping the horse into motion as they tracked down another titan. Vaine looked around. There wasn’t much in terms of being able to maneuver about. The terrain was flat with barely any trees and only some crumbling ruins of old buildings.

The squad leader steeled their resolve as they leaned into their steed’s neck. They’d have to make do.

With a huff, Vaine released their grip on the reins and shot up towards the titan’s skull, landing the cables into the base of what should have been fatty tissue. The titan was not as dull as the first had been and turned its grotesque head as Vaine left their horse’s saddle. They dove midair as the titan moved to swat at them. Kicking their legs to the left, their body careened behind the titan and they swung up to the neck. A trained set of hands sliced and the creature fell to the earth with a steaming lack of nape. 

“I’ve gotta have like...a hundred solos by this point,” Vaine absently noted, whistling once more for their horse. “Doubt that smug runt has that many.”

The bay mare nickered as Vaine hopped onto the saddle from the titan’s head. 

“Oh shush.” They rolled their eyes. “Jumping onto your back is nothing compared to potentially getting stepped on. Be grateful.”

If a horse could roll its eyes, Vaine was sure the animal would have.

Vaine urged the animal forward as they scanned the expanse between them and the gate. There were about ten stragglers now. If Vaine glanced back, they’d probably find more on the way. Could they...no—they shook their head—it wasn’t worth it. Vaine wondered what the city was looking like. They looked up to the sky and grimaced at the sight of smoke and fire. Ash was beginning to blanket the clouds. Thankfully though, the sun was setting. That meant less titans. 

The ground began to rumble and Vaine’s stomach dropped. They hurried their horse to swerve to the right, hoping and praying to be able to get out of the way just in time for an 8 meter to come barreling past them. “Fuck!” they hissed. Their mare whinnied in distress as Vaine harshly forced its head to the side. The animal, succumbing to its sudden shift in momentum, slipped on the grass and slid a few feet with Vaine still trapped in the saddle. 

They bit down as they tried to tuck into themself, hoping not to crack their jaw or bite their tongue in the process. Their right leg sang in burning pain as it remained trapped under the creature. Dirt and rocks ripped at their pants and cut into their flesh. A sudden crack filled the air as the horse’s body caught on a boulder and flipped the two into the air. Vaine’s eyes widened as they heard the mare’s whinnying cease to exist. For a brief moment, everything slowed and Vaine was helpless as the air and earth below fought for who they would go to first. The ground won out of course.

Vaine cried out in pain as they tumbled with the limp animal’s body across the compact dirt until they finally ceased to roll. Their trapped feet had come loose and Vaine stabbed a blade into the dirt to keep their body still. Their shoulder screamed out with an ache but they sighed as the dead weight was pushed from their legs. Wide and tired eyes watched in sadness as the dead horse rolled to a complete stop as it hit the side of an old and crumbling building.

Sighing, Vaine checked their legs to assess the damage. The only crack they had heard was from the horse’s neck snapping as it hit the ground at just the wrong angle. They were sore, but probably fine. Vaine picked at the fraying tears now found in both pant legs. That sucked. They would need to get new ones and that was going to be a pain in the ass. 

Vaine pushed themself off the ground, albeit shakily and in pain. They winced as they looked around to try and figure out the next best move. They were dead if they remained on the ground but there was nothing to maneuver between with their gear. If they could get closer to the wall, they’d be fine. But the fucking titan had thrown them off their course substantially. They were going to need a ride. And what luck it was that an 8 meter was set to pass Vaine.

They steeled their gaze, grinding their teeth together as they tried to straighten their body. Their legs screamed out in protest as they ripped their blades from the hard dirt. “C’mere ugly,” Vaine whispered, hoping it would somehow urge the smaller titan to them. 

They shot their gear up and it dug into the shoulder of the oblivious creature. Vaine smirked. They would just be a measly fly catching a ride on the titan. With a release, their body shot up towards the titan and they grunted as their pained feet came into contact with the hot flesh.

The titan paid them no mind, too focused on the massive amounts of people it could undoubtedly ingest within Wall Rose.

Vaine watched as the titan almost...skipped towards the gaping hole in the gate. This had to be an abnormal. Eventually all titans would notice a human on their backs and would try to swat. Vaine had prepared to cut its arms off and just let it flail about closer and closer, but it truly paid them no mind and continued on its merry way. “Fucking weird,” Vaine remarked, holding tightly to their blades as they crouched against the shoulder.

The titan continued on and Vaine’s whole body tensed in anticipation as the pair quickly approached the wall. They eyeballed the distance to the wall and looked down to their tank. Only a 1/3 of it was left. Not to mention it had taken quite the beating both in the city they were clearing out but also with the weight of a dead horse. Vaine sneered at that realization but looked back up to the wall. They would make it work. It had gotten them onto a titan, so it could get them onto the wall.

“Thanks for the ride,” Vaine patted the shoulder, finally earning the attention of the beast. “Oh? So now you look at me? Just as we’re about to go our separate ways? Typical.” 

The titan reached, slowing its steps and Vaine—in the blink of an eye—sliced across the nape of its small neck. They released the cables from the shoulder and looked up to the wall, hoping and praying their gear would hold out a bit longer. They shot it as high as they could, angling towards the top but falling dramatically short. “ _Tch_.” they hissed, realizing they would have to swing up and over. That could be a problem.

Vaine’s body flew through the air just as the titan collapsed in a dead heap to the ground. They dared not look back, afraid of distractions in their mind. They needed to time this. With a quick and trained flex of their fingers, they released the cables and pulled their arms into their sides while straightening their legs. 

“ _Streamline your body if you want to move faster,”_ Shadis had told them when they first became a cadet.

Vaine squinted their eyes against the rushing wind and debilitating smoke mixed with ash. Their lungs threatened to spasm but they remained focused, willing their body higher and higher through the air. But their momentum would end soon, then knew that. They had to time this perfectly.

The squad leader released a quiet exhale as they shot the cables once more, catching the lip of the wall with a satisfying _clunk_. The strong, albeit worn, cables pulled their body up and up and up, and they smiled as they shot up to the top of Wall Rose. They briefly rose above the top, but with a shallow release of extra gas from their depleting tanks, they landed somewhat softly on the stone. Their legs screamed in agony but they forced themself to continue standing. 

Vaine looked around and realized that a few of their squad was staring at them. “What the fuck are all of you doing? Get down there and kill those shits! Commander Smith gave you a mission!”

“Squad Leader,” Lisle shakily spoke up, “look.” He raised a trembling finger down towards the streets of an almost decimated Trost. 

Vaine’s eyes widened as they took in the state of the city. Buildings were crushed, bodies undoubtedly beneath them. The destruction of the gate had destroyed any of the anti-titan defenses they had set up. Stone and debris decorated the city instead of trees and milling people. Fire shook in the air, creating flecks of red and yellow and orange to dance up into the smoke-filled air. 

“Fuck,” they breathed out. But then their eyes moved towards what Lisle was actually pointing to and their stomach dropped. A titan was carrying a massive boulder upon its shoulders as it slowly lumbered to the opening in the gate. Black hair fell around its sharp face and muscles protruded from all around it as steam licked at its flesh. Vaine took a moment in awe to realize what was happening. Something twisted in their heart.

They turned to look around and noticed other titans aiming for the one carrying the boulder. If that titan was doing what they could only hope and assume it was doing, then...they couldn’t let the other titans get to the only source of hope they had of plugging up that wall.

“Alright, Vaine Squad!” Vaine turned to their team and pointed a blade at the new titan. “Don’t let a single titan reach that one! Got it?”

“But Squad Leader,” the normally quiet Rachmov piped up, “it’s a titan.”

Vaine cocked a brow. “It’s a titan carrying a fucking rock. I don’t care if it tries to eat any of you so long as it covers that hole! Guard it, got it?” They expelled their current blades, letting them fall to the wall’s top with a hiss. “If you all can do this for me, for Trost, for humanity? I’ll treat you all to some alcohol.” They pressed in their last set of blades with a wary eye to what was left in their tank. They had a mission. Vaine always made it work.

Vaine ran towards the ledge and careened down in a back flip to the city below. They tilted their head up and spotted an untouched building, so without hesitating, they shot their cables to the stone. They spotted a titan coming straight for the target and quickly began to hop between buildings in the steaming streets. They casted a sideways glance to their tank, aware of how close they were to empty. 

Vaine spun in the air, cutting and ripping open the nape of the titan as they maneuvered away as soon as they could. With a huff, Vaine landed on a shingled roof, leaning over their aching knees. They watched in intense curiosity as the titan continued on its path, not even sparing Vaine an over-the-shoulder look. That feeling further twisted in their gut. Vaine smirked.

But that smirk swiftly fell as pain overtook them and they began coughing and coughing. The ash was irritating their already worn lungs and they needed to kneel down as their entire body shook. They used their forest-green cloak to stifle the expulsions but when they pulled it away, all they got was dark red staining the green. _Fuck_ , they thought, _they forgot to_ -

“Hey!”

Vaine turned to see a squad running across the roof towards them. They checked the light brown jackets and sighed at the traditional emblem of the rose signifying the Garrison Regiment. However, their attention was pulled to two kids with the cross swords upon their jackets. Vaine’s stomach plunged. Two fresh graduates.

Vaine stood, trying to hide the hot blood that now covered a section of their cloak. 

“The Survey Corps are back?” a tall, hay-blonde man exclaimed, eyes wide and hopeful.

Vaine wiped the corner of their mouth. “Some of us. The rest are almost here.”

“Ian!” a female voice cried out from the back. Vaine spied her raising a shaking blade towards a couple titans that were quickly approaching the boulder-carrying behemoth. “They’re going to get to him!”

The man, Ian, shuddered.

“We can’t let them get to Eren!”

“Eren?” Vaine slowly asked, turning to one of the fresh graduates. It was the girl. She had short black hair that fell into her face and dark eyes that were shaped unlike anyone’s Vaine had ever seen before. An old red scarf was wrapped around her neck, covering her chin. “His name is Eren?”

So their assumption had been correct.

“We’ll catch you up later...” Ian excused, waving a hand about. 

“Vaine.” They sighed and wiped their steaming blade on their pants. The fabric was already ruined anyways. “Squad Leader Vaine Belskin.”

Ian froze for a brief moment and his squad seemed to follow. Vaine rolled their eyes. Now was not the time for distractions so why the fucking reaction? They knew their reputation but there were titans literally crawling about in Trost. They all had bigger problems to worry about than Vaine.

“How much gas do you all have left?” Vaine asked, eyeing the group.

A blonde with a bowl-cut piped up, wide blue eyes reminding Vaine of someone they once knew. Another one of the graduates. “We’re running on fumes. Only using when necessary at this point.”

“Hmph.” Vaine looked down to their tank. There was maybe 1/5 left. They were just a little over fumes now. “Well, we’re dead either way if we don’t help...Eren get to that wall.”

“It’s suicide if we go to the ground though...” a trembling man quivered out.

“Yeah?” Vaine raised an unamused brow. “It’s also suicide if we sit here and watch our only hope of plugging that wall get eaten alive. Titans will just keep coming and coming and coming. And we’ll all die.”

Ian sighed. “They’re right.” He shouldered his jacket slightly, taking a deep breath in. He turned to his squad. “Protect Eren at all costs! Even if it means your deaths! Do not let a single titan near him!”

Vaine turned away. Perhaps some of the Garrison Regiment had a spine.

They looked at the line of titans they had to face. One...four...seven. Vaine took a deep breath and ground their teeth together in anticipation. They could use less gas if they hit the titans consecutively. That could work. It could. But would it?

“What the hell is Mitabi doing?” Ian’s surprised voice pulled Vaine’s attention to three men running straight for the titans, crying out to get their attention.

“They’re going to die!” the girl in Ian’s squad cried.

“There’s no buildings or horses to help them,” the blonde haired cadet slowly surmised. Vaine rolled their eyes.

“That’s the point.” So much death. So much destruction. Why the fuck did it matter to these people that they could die? So many had died before them without a question. And there those men were, running head first into death’s cold embrace. “You have a mission, yes?” The group nodded at the dark tone filling Vaine’s strained voice. “Then fucking fulfill it.”

“It’s the only way left,” Ian resigned with steeled resolve. He charged off the roof, plummeting to the ground below as he began running towards the titans in hopes of distracting them from Eren. 

His squad looked around at each other with only pure fear and surrender. The group shook their heads and ran to jump off the building as well, using what was left in their tanks to safely grapple down to the ground below. “Follow Squad Mitabi’s Lead!”

Vaine looked back at the two kids. “You two will stay on him, right?” 

The black-haired girl nodded strongly. She turned to the blonde. “Armin, we should join them.”

Vaine smirked. The girl would be perfect for the scouts. Vaine couldn’t explain it but the look in her eyes, burning and blazing with determination and confidence even in the face of insurmountable odds...that was a scout right there. 

Armin swallowed harshly, blue eyes looking at the girl. He only gave a shallow nod and Vaine turned away from the exchange. Strauss had been right. There were some good cadets to choose from. And if those two made it out of this alive, a greedy part of Vaine wanted them assigned to their squad. But they knew the outcome of every scout who joined their squad, and that soured that greed immediately.

Vaine ran, ignoring the creaks and moans of their aching knees, and shot their cables to the nearest titan. Vaine sliced away at the nape of the titan, darting away as another reached for their body. They released the cables and twisted mid-air as they shot them once more to the next one. The titan gave a deep groan and Vaine hissed as they swiftly ducked down into a slight dive to avoid getting grabbed. They corkscrewed in the air and wrapped their cables around the titan’s body as they swung up to slice its nape open. 

A quick release of the triggers saw them floating up high into the air from their momentum, and Vaine readied their blades once more as they came down on another titan’s nape. They hurriedly shot out their cables again, aiming for the next titan’s head. The gear lines sunk into the eyes of the creature, eliciting a shaky reaching for the lack of vision and Vaine pulled their body across the head until they came down on the nape. 

Their eyes caught sight of the black-haired girl and Armin leading the steaming titan, Eren, towards the gate. “C’mon kids,” they urged hopefully, eyes wanting nothing more than to focus on the boulder. But they had a mission. If they wanted the boulder to cover that damned hole, they had to kill some titans first. They had to ignore the right clench in their heart when looking at the two kids. They had to ignore the grating cries of death and fear as comrades were eaten alive. They had to ignore the pain in their lungs as ash and soot and smoke filled them. They had to ignore the ache in their burning legs as they swung about in the air. They had to ignore the wheeze in their inhales as they tried to fill their body with the gas of life.

Vaine took down a fifth titan, steam billowing up into their face as blood splattered their flesh. They kicked off of the neck of the titan and aimed for the next one behind it, blades slashing through its cheeks and nearly severing its jaw. Vaine landed on its shoulder and jumped with bloodied blades out, aiming for the nape of the neck. 

They changed course just in time to avoid being grabbed by a new titan. One that was not in the line of seven. They cursed under their breath as they fell closer and closer to the ground before shooting the cables up and nearly ricocheting off of the bodies that were now huddled to tightly together. Vaine shot up into the air once more, maneuvering quickly enough to slice down one of the three. 

They shot forward once more, body screaming in protest. They ripped through the flesh of the seventh titan with a cry of exhaustion. Sweat was dripping from their brow and threatened to fall into their eyes and blind them with salty pain. Hot blood steamed off of their entire being and Vaine aimed their vision at the last titan, the one who had joined the party late. But their blood froze in their veins as they registered what...or who the titan was holding in one hand.

“Lisle?”

Vaine missed the window of opportunity and was sent crashing down to the ground below by a swat of the titan’s large hands.

They grunted in pure, throbbing pain as their back came into contact with a crumbling wall. A hot flash ripped through their spine and paralyzed all of their limbs. Their breath left their stuttering lungs and they struggled to breathe of the fire that was consuming their chest. Numbness spread like an undeterred infection through their very core and it licked at their toes, fingers, feet, hands, legs, and arms. They could barely hear anything over the current ringing that had taken up residence in their warm ears. Were they bleeding from their ears?

Vaine’s vision was hazy as stone shook and crumbled above them. They lazily looked up to the titan that had swatted them away, eyes barely able to focus on the creature. It lumbered towards them, one hand still holding...

Tears began to burn their eyes.

They tried to say his name but they could barely breathe and all that escaped was a croaking whine. Lisle was firmly held in the grotesque titan’s grasp. Blue eyes were glazed over, unable to see out to the world. Blonde hair was now red and matted from disgusting blood that failed to steam up. His mouth was slightly open, lips shriveled and parted. His head lolled about with each trembling step of the giant beast. If it weren’t for the missing arm that only trickled blood, and the lack of a lower half that drenched the titan’s warm flesh in dark red, Vaine might have thought Lisle had a chance. Maybe. Perhaps.

Vaine watched as the titan crouched down before them. It titled its head, hot breath fanning Vaine’s body as more stones fell and covered their currently useless legs. Big brown eyes stared at them for a brief moment. Its mouth was twisted into a forever smile, large teeth grinning down at a hazy Vaine. It was fucking taunting them.

But, Vaine could do nothing. The fog covering their mind was far too thick to see through and their limbs refused the simplest of commands. Pain and numbness danced all around their body, taunting them with singsong mocking. 

Black spots danced in their vision. Air refused to enter their burning lungs. A earth-shattering rumble ran across the ground, and dust whipped around as a gust of wind blew in from the same direction. Vaine’s body lolled slightly, allowing them to fall to their side at the waist upon the debris that now surrounded them. They could barely make it out, but they could see it. The titan was hunched over a dropped stone. No hole in sight.

Vaine’s lips titled upwards as a hot liquid began to drip from them. They did it.

A green flare erupted by the titan and Vaine’s bleary eyes followed the signal up, up, up into the ash-tinted sky filled with dying sunlight. And Vaine could only assume that the mission of those kids and Eren had been completed. For the first time in five years, Vaine realized humanity had surmounted its first...real win. At a cost as the city crumbled around them, but a win nonetheless. 

Is this what victory felt like?

Some more bricks fell around them, falling loose as the titan before them shook the unstable ground. It dropped Lisle and Vaine’s lashes fluttered as they stared into the lifeless blue pools. They wanted to reach for him and apologize. Apologize for letting him die. For sending him into a situation he was not prepared for. For taking his life. For being the one who killed him in the end. But their body refused to move and only blood dripped from their chapped lips.

A cough rattled their skeleton as the titan reached for Vaine. _Perhaps it wouldn’t truly be a horrible way to die in the end_ , they thought. It would be quite the sight to see from those who had survived. An odd explanation would be concocted no doubt. But they’d be free. Free from the borrowed time they had been living on ever since their birth. No more worries about wondering when they would finally kick the bucket. No more wondering if they would have to be doomed to constantly watch their comrades die around them. No more wondering about...anything.

Strauss would make a good replacement. Yes, he would be good for that. He’d be devastated, naturally. But he’d fill the role perfectly. He would be a better leader than Vaine ever could. Yes. That would be good. Then Trevor would be safe. And Vaine could rest. Finally.

Vaine’s vision wobbled and they felt their lids slowly starting to flutter shut. Their ears were still ringing but they could pick up quiet shifts of rubble, quiet cheers that sounded so far away, quiet cries of agony still taking place, quiet ODM gear zipping through the air.

It wasn’t so bad a death after all.

Vaine’s eyes fully shut as they were finally able to take in one shuddering deep breath. Their lungs expanded in raging protest, but complied all the same. They wondered what death would feel like. Though their body was numb and the pain had long disappeared as a tingling static took over instead. They wondered if they would feel it when the titan clenched its massive teeth through their spine. They wondered if they would feel it when the titan slurped up their blood and twisted with innate satisfaction. They wondered...

Hot blood splattered onto their peaceful and resigned features.

Vaine’s eyes peeked open, wondering curiously where the blood had come from. It was so hot, just like a titan’s. Had they been eaten already? Were they doomed to be ripped apart? If so, they couldn’t feel it at least.

But Vaine was still leaned over, legs pinned underneath bricks and rubble and arms useless at their sides. The only difference was that the titan which had been reaching for them, was now dead at where their feet should be under the rubble. The unseeing brown eyes stared up at them, just like Lisle’s blue.

_No_.

“Vaine!”

The squad leader looked up to see both Hange and Strauss running for them. Both were covered in steaming splotches of blood, none of it their own. Vaine wished they could speak, but they could still barely breathe. They didn’t want to be saved. They were so tired. They just wanted to rest. They didn’t want to heal. To become better. They just wanted to be eaten. Why couldn’t they just die?

“Fuck, Vaine,” Strauss hissed as he came up to them. His fiery hair was all over the place and his green eyes seemed to be fighting back tears. Vaine only looked up at him. “You really had to go and get yourself nearly killed huh? Hange! A hand please?! I just can’t believe you would—Tiller can you remove the rubble here, please—actually go and do this shit, I mean really!”

Hange came into view and they laid a hand on Vaine’s dirty cheek. “The kid plugged the hole, I don’t know how, but he did. We’re gonna get you out of here,” Hange spoke in the softest tone Vaine had ever heard uttered by their comrade. Hange turned their goggled eyes to Strauss. “We need to get them out of here. There’s still titans crawling around. I’ve got my squad looking for captures right now.”

“We’ve got a dying comrade and you’re still worried about your experiments,” Strauss deadpanned, pulling up a few more bricks.

Hange scoffed. “Science is science. If Vaine dies, science goes on. Humanity goes on. They’d be pissed if I wasn’t thinking about those things, kid.”

“I know,” Strauss sighed. If Vaine could have smiled, they would. Hange wasn’t wrong. In fact, they wished the scientist was instead focused on capturing and doing whatever their science required instead of wasting man power on them. Let them die. Strauss pulled the final stone off their legs and hissed at the sight. “Hange-“

“Yeah, yeah.” Hange’s face had turned white in the setting sun. Vaine wondered what it was they were looking at. “Work to get their gear off—really Vaine? running on fumes? what the hell happened to your gear?—and we’ll have someone else carry it back.”

Vaine could hear a distant snapping and releasing. Something heavy dropped from their sides and they were pulled forward and up. Their eyes locked on Lisle’s. He was dead. They weren’t. How fucking unfair that was.

Strauss picked them up and Vaine could distantly feel someone wrapping fabric around them. Their head rested on Strauss’ shoulder and they shakily exhaled as their hands and arms were secured around Strauss’ neck and shoulders. They were certain—through the dense fog of their mind—that their legs were bound in similar fashion around Strauss’ torso. The dark green of their cloaks greeted Vaine.

“Get them up and over the wall. Erwin will meet you,” Hange ordered Strauss. They patted Vaine on the shoulder. “I’ll take a few of your squad to help finish off some of the stragglers before meeting you all up there.”

“Understood, Squad Leader Zoë.”

* * *

Erwin waited atop Wall Rose, wondering silently when Hange would return with Vaine and their team leader. 

Pyxis stood beside him, the older man humming as they waited. “What’s taking them oh-so long? Hmm? I’m dying for something to drink after a day like today.”

“Squad Leader Zoë informed me that they would be finding both Squad Leader Belskin and Team Leader Hanford. It should not be much longer,” Erwin noted, casting a side eye at the Commander of the Garrison Regiment.

Pyxis nodded. “So, Belskin is still alive, hmm? I would have thought they’d be dead by now with all that galavanting about. Heard whispers that the Military Police are wanting them to be done.”

“Hmph.” Erwin decided to neither confirm nor deny the statement. He didn’t find the point in doing such a thing. “They do their duty.”

“Duty, duty, duty,” Pyxis huffed. “When does duty grow too expensive, Smith? I can’t even begin to imagine the numbers from today.” He pinched the bridge of his wrinkling nose. 

Erwin didn’t feel the need to respond. There was no such thing as too high a price for freedom. It just couldn’t possibly exist. Not when they were trapped within walls he had his own beliefs about. Though he would argue that those beliefs were fact, not fiction. He wouldn’t rest until he figured it out.

“Are we waiting for Squad Leader Belskin?”

Erwin turned to look down at the young blonde cadet, Armin Arlert, who had come up to him. Mikasa Ackerman was at his side. The pair had been with Eren Yeager when he transformed back to a human. Or however it worked. Hange would be in charge of figuring out the logistics. They claimed to be his closest friends and Erwin took the claim to be true, as he heard about how the young cadet had screamed his loyalty for the boy in the face of weapons and cannons. The Ackerman girl had graduated ranked first in the corps, and the Yeager boy had graduated ranked fifth. Erwin was interested to say the very least.

“I apologize for eavesdropping, Commander,” Armin hurriedly supplied but Erwin waved it off. He was more interested in how Armin had come to know Vaine. “We last saw them right before we went to help Eren. They were coughing up blood.”

“They also jumped off the roof with us and took down a line of titans that would have otherwise went after Eren,” Mikasa quickly added, her dark eyes shining in the last gasps of daylight. 

Erwin nodded. “How many?”

“Seven.” Mikasa straightened at the acknowledgment.

He looked forward. “How much blood?”

“I couldn’t be sure,” Armin offered, “they were covered in titan blood and so much was steaming off of them I couldn’t tell what was actually their’s.”

Erwin hummed. Vaine would do whatever necessary once they realized what the stakes were. They were smart and able to correctly assess situations at hand. They undoubtedly realized quite quickly the necessity of Eren’s titan as it carried the stone to the gate and hopped into action. It was what made them a great soldier of humanity. What made them a perfect squad leader, despite their obvious burden of guilt as of late. Erwin admitted silently that that part was worrying. He wondered if there was something they weren’t telling him. They had done so well with everything blinking an eye in the face of death. However, he had heard from Hange, and even Strauss, that Vaine had been displaying...worrying tendencies as of late. He had gone to Strauss after his words with Levi and the pair talked about Vaine for some time.

_“I’m not sure how to describe it, Commander,” Strauss sighed. He ran a hand through his orange hair._

_Erwin motioned for Strauss to continue. He didn’t care if the team leader rambled on and on. He just needed a crumb of information. Anything to get into the concerning psyche of one of his best._

_“This last mission felt...off.”_

_“How so?”_

_“I’ve seen Vaine feel guilty. I’ve seen what it does to them. But this time? I think the injury got to them.”_

_“What injury? The one on their face?”_

_Strauss rubbed his hands down his freckled face. He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Their face was shredded by shrapnel from the explosion of gas tanks. Or I thought it was at least? They had exposed muscle all down their cheeks and around their eyes. But I think it was the way the moon and shadows and lack of sleep.”_

_Erwin raised a brow. Vaine had told him it was just surface level and healed quite quickly._

_“Anyways, they looked horrified. I think it’s because they not only managed to get injured but also because they were part of the reason the only survivors died,” Strauss explained. Erwin could have surmised that though when he heard the darkness in Vaine’s voice in their mission report. Still, there had to be something missing. And the injury just didn’t make sense. Why would it affect Vaine as much as Strauss claimed?_

_“Anything else?”_

_Strauss rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Yeah, one more thing, Commander.” Erwin waited patiently for the team leader to share. “When we came across their old village, we arrived at their old home. I went in behind them, as they asked to be alone, but they had been reckless on missions lately and I just wanted to ensure they would be okay._

_“It had been eight years since they had been home. But there was not a single piece of memory in that house. It looked like any old house. But Vaine also knew every aspect like the back of their hand.”_

_“And?” Erwin urged, hoping for something a little more clarifying._

_“Don’t you think it’s odd they haven’t been back in eight years but they knew exactly what home was their’s, even without identifying markers?_ ”

Erwin sighed.

It would be a lie to say he understood the implications Strauss was attempting to convey. The red-head had only worked with Vaine for five years, ever since Shiganshina fell. Erwin had better things to think about, such as the fact that intelligent titans existed. And if Eren was any proof, such intelligence only existed when a human was operating. It would make sense that the Colossal Titan was able to make an appearance because it knew Trost was left practically defenseless. Which meant...there was a traitor. Though, Erwin needed to discuss it more to finalize the true understandings once Eren woke up and the Military Police allowed Erwin time with the boy. He needed Hange as well.

“Commander!”

Erwin turned away from his musings and swallowed at the sight. Strauss was being helped up over the ledge of the inner wall out of Trost. And on Strauss’ back was the very squad leader that had occupied Erwin’s thoughts. He kept his face cool as he and Pyxis approached the red-head who was pulled up by members of the Survey Corps that stayed with Erwin. The Garrison Regiment was too busy blasting the remaining titans to hell.

Strauss looked up at Erwin and for the first time since meeting the team leader full of so much potential, Erwin saw pure and unadulterated fear in those green eyes.

“They’re dying.” 

He began to move the squad leader from his back, untying the restraints that kept them attached to him. Some scouts helped gingerly move the limp leader to a rolled out blanket and Erwin watched as one of his best soldiers lied on their potential deathbed. There was a glaze over their grey eyes, which stared up to the sky, unable to see the darkening clouds that lazily moved about. Dried blood crusted around their chapped lips and some decorated the holes of their ears. Dirt and scratches were patchy over their fair flesh, rendering their light freckles invisible. Hands were carefully crossed over their chest and an unusually twisted leg remained close to its partner. Erwin noted that their pants were ripped and shredded and old blood stained the white fabric. Their light blue shirt beneath their jacket was dirtied and a dark red flower was still blooming from their side. Black bangs were matted to their forehead with old sweat and blood that trickled down from their hairline and along their angular jaw.

If not for the shaky and shallow lifts of their chest, Erwin would have been in mourning for one of his best.

“But...but they-“ Armin’s voice trembled as he and Mikasa came up behind Erwin, “they were killing titans wh-when we looked back.”

Strauss ran a bloodied hand through his sweaty hair as he kneeled beside the barely alive squad leader. “Commander,” he sighed as Erwin looked back to him, “they saw one of our new soldiers. Their tank was completely empty. Hange assumes they got hit midair when trying to...” he paused, swallowing as a glossy quality took over his eyes, “trying to save Lisle. We found them slumped against a building. Debris surrounded them. If not for Lisle’s discarded...half and the titan reaching for them, they might have died on the streets.”

Erwin nodded. He quietly walked over to Vaine’s side and kneeled down. He placed a hand on their shoulder and leaned over slowly. He whispered lowly, “You’re not allowed to die. Not yet. That is an order and this is your mission. Do not be selfish, Vaine.”

He straightened back up and stood. A whizzing filled the air and Erwin caught the dark eyes of his captain. Levi looked down at the unmoving body with disdain. Erwin should have known his strongest soldier would be so unimpressed with such a sight. The soldier approached him.

“ _Tch_.” He rolled his eyes and kicked the side of Vaine’s body. Strauss’ jaw dropped, along with those who watched with wide eyes. Armin and Mikasa took a surprised step back at the display. Erwin watched silently as his captain bent at the hips just slightly as he placed a boot on their exposed thigh. “Get up, brat. You’re fucking useless like this.” Levi did a once over and his straight nose wrinkled in disgust. “And fucking filthy.”

He took away his boot and Erwin waved for some of the corps members to move Vaine down into the interior of Wall Rose. They needed medical attention stat and Erwin would ensure they had that before at least being moved when they left for the military court where Eren was undoubtedly being held. He told Vaine to not be selfish, but here he was, ensuring they did not die so he could continue to use their talents. He gave a quiet snort as Strauss helped the soldiers set up the pulley system.

“Strauss!” Erwin called. The red-head turned. “Return to Trost and assist Squad Leader Zoë.”

“But, Commander-“

“That’s an order. You have a mission to complete.”

Strauss shut his mouth and nodded firmly. Erwin watched as the young man placed a hand over Vaine’s before stepped away. He silently walked to the edge of the wall and jumped down with a whir of his ODM gear. 

Cannon fire continued to blare out over the clawing of the titans down below and Erwin watched as the limp squad leader was lowered to the inner city.

“They’re too soft,” Levi mentioned beside him. Erwin folded his hands behind his back, a small quirk pulling at the corner of his lips. “It’ll get them both killed.”

“One of them is already dead,” Pyxis finally mused to the right of Erwin. He waved a hand as he began to take his leave. “A waste of resources on that one. Put them out of their misery.”

“They’ll be fine,” Erwin stated with confidence. Vaine wasn’t that selfish to die on him. Full of heavy guilt? Undoubtedly. Reckless? One hundred percent. Truly ready to die? Not a chance. Erwin had faith that his soldier would be alright. They always were.

Levi scoffed beside him as the sun finally set on the day and the moon began to rise into the dark sky. “Better be worth it, Erwin.”

The commander nearly smiled. For humanity? They would be.


End file.
